Dreaded Conversations and the Sandwich

Most people don’t take negative feedback lightly and most of us dread giving it. Judith Orloff, M.D. explains one way to offer criticism in the most effective and sensitive way: the sandwich technique. This deliberate strategy lessens the risk of offending.

Orloff suggests that you begin and end your feedback on a positive note. For example, emphasize a positive quality, then express your concern, and last, end the conversation with another compliment.  Orloff notes that it’s important to be authentic, stay away from generic people pleasing, and do not, under any circumstances, hand them the kitchen sink (listing every complaint in one sitting).  Read more HERE.

Good Conversation Means Good Listening

As a psychologist who treats socially anxious patients with CBT, one of the behavioral skills I put in the treatment plan is meeting new people.  Or, getting closer to someone we kind of know but don't know well enough to invite for an outing.  How do we go from meeting someone new at a BBQ or from a conversation at the copy machine or from chatting on Google hangouts to the point where we can call that person a friend?

In a word: conversation.  Or more accurately, listening, according to Celeste Headlee in her TED Talk: 10 ways to have a better conversation.

Don't have the time to watch her 12 minute talk?  You can read her full transcript, here.

Or, in an even bigger hurry?  I've listed her ten rules of thumb for better conversation below:

1. Attend.  Give your full attention.  Don't multitask.  Look in their eyes, not at your watch or that cute boy who walked by.  And absolutely, do not glance at your cell phone.  If your text notification goes off?  Unless it's from your mother's surgeon, ignore.  Better yet, say excuse me while I mute this.  I want to hear what you're saying.   

2. Set yourself aside, in the words of Road Less Traveled author Dr. Scott Peck. Don't pontificate. Don't lecture. Refrain from sharing your opinion (no matter how well researched it is).  Assume you have something to learn. In Celeste's words, Everyone is an expert in something.

3. Use open-ended questions, like journalists do.  Start your questions with Who, What, When, Where, Why or How. (Here I will violate Rule #2 and interject my well researched opinion:  skip the Why questions:  They tend to sound accusing or judgmental.)  Try asking your new acquaintance, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?" "So what did you think at that point?"  "How did you know to do that?"

4. Go with the flow. When an opinion or reply comes into your mind, ignore and listen for a little bit longer. Stay focused on their story.

5. If you don't know, say that you don't know. We all like to be the expert on something.  And so does the person you are trying to friend.

6. Assume their story is unique.  Because it is.  How they felt when their favorite sports team won the tournament is not the same as how you felt when your team won. In Celeste's words,  Don't equate your experience with theirs.

7. Try not to repeat yourself. Don't be boring. Resist the impulse to say, for the third time, that witty remark you made to your cubicle neighbor.

8. Keep to the basic plot of your story.  Stay out of the weeds. You don't need to remember the specific dates, names, street names of that excellent Taco house you like to visit.  Your listener cares about you and how you felt.

9.  Listen. As Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth." Use them accordingly. Who is Epictetus?  It doesn't matter. (Refer to Rule #8).

10. Be brief.

And with that?  I will briefly end this post.

Sandy Andrews, PhD  is a Clinical Psychologist / Therapist who provides CBT in Austin, Texas  

Small Talk Tips from TED

You receive an invitation to a party.  Great, right?  That is, if you're an extrovert.  However, if you're a gregarious introvert, suffer from social anxiety, or are just plain shy, a party invitation does not feel great.  It can feel debilitating.  

As if on cue, you develop a common cognitive error, a case of the dreaded What Ifs:

What if I'm left standing by myself and nobody will talk to me?  

What if someone starts a conversation and I'm tongue-tied? 

What if I try to interject myself into a conversation but they ignore me? 

While there are no guarantees, most socially anxious people catastrophize:  They imagine the worst before attending a gathering of any size, even more so when the only person they expect to know at the party is the person having the party.  And most people find, after attending the party, that it wasn't nearly as bad as they expected.  That, in fact, people did start conversations with them.  That they they did, in fact, come up with decent replies.  And that when they approached a group of people already talking, they were politely welcomed into the conversation.

Still, it helps to review some basic guidelines about small talk.  To boost your confidence.  To improve your end of the conversation.  What is the best way to start a conversation with an unknown person?  How does one reply to a stranger's ice breaker in a way that avoids the awkward silences?  

The good people at Ideas.TED.com,  Chris Colin and Rob Baedeker, have come to our rescue with three pointers.  

1.  Ask open-ended questions that invite stories, not short replies:

      How do you know Sharon? 

      How did you get into the accounting field?

      What has college been like for you so far? 

2.  Avoid the common pitfall of answering their question by mirroring the question and instead turn their question into an opportunity to get them talking more: 

Isn't this heat awful?  

Instead of:                                                        You can say:  

Yes, this heat is terrible.  I hate it.                        Yes. It's times like these I wish I lived in                                                                                                        Minnesota.  Have you ever lived in a cold                                                                                                    climate?"  

This is a great building, isn't it? 

Instead of:                                                          You can say:  

Yes, it's beautiful.                                                  Yes it is. What do you know about this house? 

Have you known Greg and Julie for very long?

Instead of:                                                           You can say:  

Not really. I met them at work.                               I know them from work.  What about you?                                                                                                   How did you meet them? 

3.  Give an unexpected response.  Something slightly offbeat that will lead the person to become more interested in what you say next.    

Instead of:                                                          You can say:  

Yes it is. We really needed it.                                I was ready for it. My goggles and life jacket                                                                                                are all set to go.

What are you studying at the university? 

Instead of:                                                          You can say:  

I'm a history major.                                               I'm majoring in student loan debt with a                                                                                                          minor in hope I get a decent job. 

You can learn that you are not alone by reading what others have to say about their own social anxiety, here. But by all means, read up on more suggestions for improving small talk here and here and here. Read the  suggestions of others, practice them, and RSVP a confident yes to the next party invite.

-Sandy Andrews, Ph.D.

CBT Cognitive Behavioral Psychologist 

Austin, Texas

Fake It Til You Make It: The Power of Body Language

Nervous about an upcoming job interview? Wanting to invite a new friend for coffee but feeling too shy to do so? This video of Harvard researcher and social psychologist, Dr. Amy Cuddy, is a bit long but well worth watching.  Based on research findings, Dr. Cuddy offers a few short and simple exercises designed to help boost confidence in school, work and social settings.  These are examples of behavioral tools recommended frequently in CBT psychologist offices.

-Sandy Andrews, Ph.D.

CBT Cognitive Behavioral Psychologist 

Austin, TX

Small Talk, Big Skill

Very often in therapy, building friendships becomes a behavioral goal. Two of my earlier posts talk about finding oneself with too few friends and some general strategies for finding friends. This post will give some suggestions on what to actually talk about once you have found people worth getting to know.

Putting yourself in a situation where you can meet people is an important step in the friend-building process. A next, big step and helpful skill is the art of initiating a conversation. A step many people find very anxiety producing. A step many believe they are no good at. A step many people are too afraid to try. A step the leaves people avoiding social situations altogether.

It may be a comfort to know that many people experience social anxiety and many people report having trouble coming up conversation starters. So it never hurts to remind yourself that you're not the only person who struggles to break the ice and make small talk.

But when two people are standing next to each other, and the idea is to socialize, somebody's got to do it, right? And it may as well be you. Especially if you're motivated because (a) you want more connections in your life and (b) someone has caught your eye.

And you never know, the person you're eyeing could be more shy than you. Could be hoping you talk first. Could welcome an end to the awkwardness. This is when you can take a deep breath and tell yourself that your attempt at small talk might just be appreciated.

There are three main types of small talk that I will cover: (1) Ice Breakers (2) Introductions, and (3) Follow Ups. Today's post will concern itself with Ice Breakers. In a later post, or two, we'll talk about Introductions and Follow Ups.

With Ice Breakers, here are some suggestions to keep in mind:

(1) You're not trying to make a deep connection the first time you meet. You don't need to dazzle or impress. You're just trying to get some conversation, any conversation, started. So keep your opener short and simple.

(2) The less you know the person, the less personal your comment or question. Keep your comments neutral and general. Focus on something around you, not about you.

(3) Likewise, the more conventional your location, the more conventional you will want to keep the conversation topics. Conventional means neutral, common, general, maybe even boring. Don't ruffle feathers. Don't try to be profound. Keep it light and upbeat.

If you are in an edgy nightclub, at a rock concert, or watching performance art, taking risks might work. But in general, it's safer to keep your comments bland. You don't know this person yet, or very well, so you don't want to startle, pry or challenge. You want to keep it comfortable. And the less you know about a person, keeping it bland is the safest bet.

(4) Look for something you have in common with the person you're trying to talk to. You may be wondering, what if I don't know this person very well? How you can I possibly know what we have in common. Well, here's the answer. At a minimum, what you have in common is your location.

So look around you. Whether you're in the same room or standing on the same sidewalk, at a minimum you've got your physical surroundings in common. And always? There's the weather.

Here are some general topics along these lines:

4The weather (again, it works).

4Traffic (everybody hates it).

4The building.

4The club, organization or group that is holding the function.

4The sports team that's on the television above the bar (but only if he is paying attention).

4The music that's playing.

4The people you both know.

4The class you're both taking.

4The store in which you're standing in line.

Here are a few examples of Ice Breakers:

At a house party: "Who do you know here?" Or, "How do you know Jon and Cara?" "Do you know this neighborhood very well?"

At a wedding: "Are you here with the bride or the groom?" "How long have you known her?" "Their vows were so unusual. Do you know if they wrote them?" "I know the bride but not much about the groom. Do you know how they met?"

At a neighborhood barbeque: "Do you live in this neighborhood?" "I can't believe how overcast it is today. I hope it doesn't rain." "I see Donna has put in some new landscaping over there. She's really keeping her yard nice." "It's been ages since I've had barbeque. I definately brought my appetite with me today. How about you? Are you much for beef brisket?"

At a restaurant or nightclub: "Have you eaten here before?" "Did you have to wait long for your glass of wine?" "What do you suggest on the menu?" "Have you tried the sushi here? Is it any good?" "Where do people park in this town? It took me forever to find a place."

If you look back at the Ice Breakers I suggested, they mostly tend to focus the topic of conversation away from the personal, away from the individuals involved. Instead they direct the questions to people and things around them.

When someone doesn't know you very well, they may not be interested in discussing anything very revealing about themselves. So wait a good while before asking questions of a personal nature.

Sometimes the person you approach will respond to your ice breaker in a talkative way. But there's also the chance of a lengthy pause, an awkward silence. So a future post will talk about the next step, conversational Follow-Uppers.

Meanwhile, picture yourself in a recent situation where you wish you had tried to start a conversation. Or you did make an attempt but didn't get very far. And now refer back to my suggestions and see if you can come up with a few Ice Breakers of your own. Practicing in your head, or covert rehearsal in CBT language, is a good way to up your chances of success the next time around.

A few links you might find helpful:

Tips for Starting Conversation with People you Don't know by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

The Shy Person's Guide to Conversation by Susie Cortright

Small Talk on the Job

And there are books on the topic:

The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine

Small Talk: The Art of Socializing by Kathy Schmidt, Louise Jordan, and Marisha Rogers

The Art of Mingling by Jeanne Martinet

Conversationally Speaking by Alan Garner

Painting: The Conversation by Shelley Grund

Sandy Andrews, PhD is a Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist in Austin, Texas