Feeling Low? A Pleasant Events List Might Help

In honor of the first day of the fall season, I am re-posting my Pleasant Events List.  Those of you who read the previous post will be glad to see I've made a few changes, out with some of the old and in with some new ideas.

For those reading this list for the first time, what is it all about?

When someone is experiencing a sad, down, angry, lonely, or otherwise lowered mood, one tip that can help is to consult your own personal Pleasant Events List.

Below is a lonnnnnng list of Pleasant Events. It was compiled from a variety of sources, including group therapy participants, other professionals, and online articles. The list is comprehensive, including some activities that you or I might find anything but pleasant. Cleaning the bathroom, being one that I find a real stretch, but... different strokes. 

The list is meant as a starting point: A list of ideas that will help you generate a list of your own. So that you can write your own personalized list of activities and thoughts you find pleasant, fun, funny, joyful, entertaining, relaxing, soothing, or in some other way, mood-lifting.

So I post this list in the hopes that readers will be inspired to read it, to do some of the things on the list, or to merely think about doing some of the things on the list, to leave a comment with some new pleasant event that can be added to the list, or to generate a new list of your own. Best of all, generate your list with as many readily do-able, easily accessible, easily affordable events as you can come up with.

As one exercise, I often suggest before reading the list that you rate your mood on a scale of 1 to 10, where:

1 = feeling very down or "low"

and

10 = feeling really happy or "up"

Then, after you have finished reading the list, rate how you feel once again. Any change?

PLEASANT EVENTS LIST

1. Soaking in the bathtub   

2. Looking at the stars       

3. Feeling the wind in my hair

4. Collecting things (coins, shells, etc)

5. Listening to fun, educational programming, such as TED or NPR podcasts

6. Thinking how it will be when I finish school

7. Working a crossword or sudoku puzzle

8. Trying out a new hair style

9. Sitting under a shade tree

10. Going to a movie in the middle of the week

Mindfulness is the New Black

Like orange is the new black, mindfulness may be the new psychotherapy.

Talking to a licensed therapist can be a critical step to wellness.  It can include sharing problems, worries, and yes, those reliable and messy mainstays, family of origin issues. Getting evaluated by a professional can be one of the most important tools for treating anxiety, depression, and other emotional disorders.

Learning cognitive behavioral tools ( CBT ) is another branch on the tree called getting back to wellness. One of the most up-and-coming, state-of-the-art CBT tools is mindfulness.  Thirty years ago, when I was walking my dinosaur on my college campus, mindfulness was not echoed in the hallowed halls of learning.  I'm not sure it was even a thing back then.  But it certainly is now.

Mindfulness is a form of meditation.  It is the art and skill of redirecting one's mind away from the everyday thoughts, worries, judgments, and distractions that occupy our brain when it's on auto-pilot. Where are my keys? Did I take the load of laundry out of the dryer? Don't forget to return those pants, pick up that prescription, talk to my professor, get the car inspected.   "Monkey mind" is what Dr. Alejandro Junger, M.D., cardiologist, calls collectively, all those pesky thoughts. 

Today we all have a new worry: the pandemic. To protect us from Covid-19, many new restrictions are in place.  Mask wearing, vaccinations, avoiding unfamilliar people and crowded outdoor spaces.  Mindfulness can be used as a stress reduction tool. Try this mindfulness video, here, let by Dr. Robert Hindman, a clinical psychologist with the Beck Institute*.  

For more ideas on how to learn about and practice mindfulness, have a look at Harvard University Medical School's suggestions, here.    Because maybe, just maybe, fifteen minutes a day is the new 60 minutes on the couch.

*The Beck Institute was founded by Aaron T. Beck, MD, largely considered the father of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and his daughter, Judith Beck, Phd. 

Sandy Andrews, Ph.D. Psychologist

Teaching CBT in South Austin, Texas

Psychologist Austin TX CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Anxiety Depression Panic Disorder Anxiety Attacks Psychologist Psychothrapist Therapy e

Getting the Most Out of Your Therapy Sessions

Has this happened to you? You're sitting on the couch talking to your therapist. You look up at the clock and see that you've got only five minutes left. How did that happen? You've got so much more to talk about! You leave feeling frustrated that you derailed from something really important.

What to do?

Check out PsychScamp's helpful suggestions for better time management during your therapy sessions by clicking here.

I would add to PsychScamp's list a therapy tool I often suggest:

Keep a therapy notebook.

This can be any kind of bound (spiral or otherwise) paper on which to write down your important thoughts, feelings, ideas to discuss at your next therapy session, attempts at change, areas where you are struggling, questions for your therapist, the list goes on. It's especially helpful if your therapy notebook has a pocket of some sort to keep handouts and worksheets.

You can shop for a fun, fanciful notebook or, for the recyclers among us, dig up an old college or school notebook that's buried in your office or bedroom closet. Make use of all that empty paper.

The type of notebook is not important. What matters is that you have a space on which to write.

Some people like to keep the notebook by their bed. Jot down thoughts right before going to sleep. Keeping note of worries and to-do lists right before bed can be a helpful tool when struggling to overcome bouts of insomnia. Two birds with one stone?

A note about the length of your entries: Keep it short.

Lengthy, paragraphs-long or pages-long entries can be tiring, prevent you from getting enough sleep, and lead to a dread or avoidance of your notebook. Concise reminders or bullet items are often adequate for therapy material.

Some people prefer to log their thoughts into their handheld devices, smartphones, or computers, etc., rather than use a paper-and-pencil format. Electronic gadgets of this nature can work, too, but not so convenient for keeping track of the paper handouts.

Whatever you do, be an active manager of your therapy time. In many cases, the more involved you are in contributing to the agenda, the more likely you'll get your therapy needs addressed.

Deep Breathing: Lower Abdominal Breaths

Breathing Fire by Carmen R. Sonnes

CBT psychologists recommend behavioral tools to manage anxiety, panic, stress, anger, and fear is deep breathing exercises. Many people with anxiety disorders and anger management issues, for example, breathe in a shallow manner, known as "upper chest breathing." This type of shallow breathing is unintentional and largely goes unnoticed until something triggers the anxiety/fear/anger mechanism. At this point, a "tightness" in the chest might be felt. Others describe this as "pressure" or feeling as though a heavy "weight" is on their chest; classic signs that now is the time to engage in some deep breathing exercises.

Instructions:

Begin by lying flat on your back on a firm surface. A padded, carpeted floor is an excellent location.

You may also sit up straight in a chair, if that is more comfortable.  If sitting, be sure your lower back is fully supported, your feet are flat on the floor and your knees are level or at a slight decline.

You can also practice this exercise standing upright. All sorts of choices for all sorts of situations you may find yourself in. For example, I like to do deep breathing exercises while standing in long checkout lines. Gives me something to do besides glare at the slow check writers in front of me.

Lower Abdominal Breathing:

Place your hand on your stomach area.

Breathe as you normally would and notice whether your hand and stomach rise and fall, or your chest rises and falls, as you breathe.

When you are breathing properly, your chest will stay still while your stomach will rise slightly as you inhale. When you breathe out, or exhale, your chest will continue to stay still while your stomach lowers slightly.

To learn to breathe correctly, begin by slowly inhaling through your nose on the count of six while gently allowing your stomach to lift or raise your hand.

Hold the breath for a count of four.

Slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of eight, fully exhaling until all air is gone, while gently pushing down on your stomach.  Now for a round of comfortable, natural breaths. Focus on the feeling of relief you get during these natural, easy, recovery breaths. 

Repeat this cycle of 6-4-8 second breaths, with recovery breaths in between, for a good five minutes.

It is quite normal to feel slightly dizzy or light-headed, especially as a beginner. If the deep breathing causes you to begin panicking, only do it for as long as you are able. Increase the length of time each day until you can do the exercise for at least five minutes twice per day. If you continue to practice breathing this way, you may begin doing it more naturally throughout the day.

An additional benefit will be that once you are familiar with the exercise, you may do it while experiencing anxiety or at the beginning of a panic attack, and you may feel relief. The more you practice the deep breathing throughout the day, the more effective you will be at heading off anxiety and panic symptoms.

Tips:

Slow, emptying exhales tend to be the most therapeutic for some. Really concentrate on exhaling fully. You might experiment with exhaling to the point of emptying your lungs. You want to feel a slight discomfort and then take a relaxing, relieving, natural inhale. Concentrate on the feeling of relief that you are now able to breathe in a comfortable, natural, unforced way. Alternate several natural breaths in between the deep breathing exercises.

Resist feeling frustrated with yourself or giving up if you are struggling to do this exercise correctly. It takes practice. Give yourself time. Do not give up.

Do not be afraid of the exercise causing panic. Remember: you are in control and can stop at any time. Take it as slowly as needed.

Breathe by Laurinda Stanton

Sandy Andrews, PhD  is a Clinical Psychologist / Therapist who provides CBT in Austin, Texas  

Cubicle Got You Down?

Want to be happier at your job?  Here is one way:  Ask your boss if you can install a tub in your cubicle.  After she finishes laughing at you, return to your cubicle, sit in your office chair, and imagine you are taking a bubble bath.  A long, relaxing, soaker bath with scented bath oil and fluffy white bubbles and a glass of your favorite beverage at your side.  And while you're imagining this bath?  Breathe...  Breathe...  Breathe...  Slow, quiet inhales and exhales.  Feeling your chest expand, your shoulders rise, your nose take in the subtle current of air.  After two minutes of this relaxing bubble bath of your mind?  Return to work.  

According to researcher and educator, Shawn Achor, after doing two minutes of breathing meditation, your productivity will go up.  You will feel less stressed, more focused, and experience greater optimism.

  

Most of us work somewhere in the vicinity of 40 hours per week.  That is a lot of our lifetime spent working.  For many, that's a lot of time spent hating one's job, feeling trapped, dreading the rest of the work week, avoiding that dreadful coworker.  

Do you have fifteen minutes to watch a video that will help inspire you toward feeling better about your job? Can you take fifteen minutes, or  less than one-tenth of one percent of your work week to steer yourself out of the work-week-blues?  Sure you can. You owe it to your physical wellbeing and future happiness to do so.  

Besides being entertained by Achor's delicious humor, listening to his TED Talk will help you  learn that job success is largely determined by:  

1. optimism levels

2. social support

3. ability to see stress as a challenge, not as a threat

You will learn that, happiness isn't determined by what you do, what you have, or where you are.  Rather, "Ninety percent of your long term happiness is predicted ... by how your brain processes the world."  Happiness, in other words,  is determined by how you think about what you have and where you are.  

So even if you're stuck in a tiny cubicle, you can think your way into a more productive, more challenging, more successful mindset.  And mindset is, according to research Achor discusses, seventy-five percent of the happiness equation.  

Watch the video and you will also learn that, "being positive in the present - turns on the learning centers of the brain."  You have the opportunity to be better at what you do, learn more, and impress your boss with your willingness to go the distance.  

Watch Achor's TED Talk, here.  

--Sandy Andrews, PhD 

Clinical Psychologist

Austin, TX 

Happy Is As Happy Does

We're all in search of happiness and nothing makes this more certain than a search of recent research in the field of psychology.  Lots of studies looking for ways to increase our feelings of happy.

A Washington Post journalist spoke to Shawn Achor, a Harvard trained expert on positive psychology.  Achor recommends several exercises to increase feelings of wellbeing, including.

(1) Gratitude.  Spend two minutes every day thinking of three new things you appreciate, enjoy, or are thankful for.
(2) Positivity. Spend two minutes every day recalling a positive experience from your day.  Recollect every detail you can think of and let yourself feel the pleasant feelings associated with each detail.  This can be as simple as observing a beautiful flower or seeing a dog chase a frisbee.
(3) Exercise.  Fifteen minutes a day of high energy physical movement.  Get your heart rate up AND your feelings of happiness.
(4) Breathe.  Here's the magic time again, two minutes.  Push away from your keyboard, silence your phone, turn off the tv, sit under a tree, lay beneath a ceiling fan.  For two minutes, just listen to your breathing.  That's it.  Just listen and stay focused on the sound of the air moving in and our.
(5) Kindness.  Each day send an email or text someone a message telling them how much you appreciate something about them or something they have done.  According to Achor, this is one of the most powerful happy-getters.

You can read the Washington Post article and interview in full, here.

--Sandy Andrews, PhD 

Clinical Psychologist

Austin, TX 

This Weekend: Clutter Bust or Bust

Need an incentive to de-clutter this weekend?  Look no further than the 8th Annual Clear Your Clutter Day presented by the Austin chapter of the National Association of Professional Organizers.   Bring your cherished keepsake items junk and leave with some extra peace of mind.

A Happy To Do List for the New Year

A list of twenty-one simple to-dos and to-don'ts for the New Year that I found mostly simple and a lot inspiring.  Some are big steps but more are little.  Because sometimes it's the little things that makes the difference between a life of regrets and a life fully lived.

The very first to-do:  Click here.

-Sandy Andrews, Ph.D.

CBT Cognitive Behavioral Psychologist 

Austin, Texas

  

Exercise for Relief from Anxiety - How Does it Work?

Gretchen Reynolds writes for the New York Times blog about the positive effect of exercise on anxiety.  She summarizes the work of Schoenfeld et. al whose studies* with mice suggest that regular exercise leads to an increase in healthy, calming neurons (GABA) in a part of the brain that helps us process emotions (hippocampus).  More evidence that behavior therapy ( CBT ) tools, such as jogging, taking brisk walks, or working the treadmill, are an effective way to increase feelings of calm in both the long and short term.

You can read Reynolds NY Times article, here.


*Schoenfeld TJ, Rada P, Pieruzzini PR, Hsueh B, Gould E. (2013) J Neurosci. 2013 May 1;33(18):7770-7. doi: 10.1523/JNEUROSCI.5352-12.2013.Physical exercise prevents stress-induced activation of granule neurons and enhances local inhibitory mechanisms in the dentate gyrus.

-Sandy Andrews, Ph.D.

CBT Cognitive Behavioral Psychologist 

Austin, Texas

Experimenting with Different Breathing Styles

Heart Says Breathe by Laurie Maves

Noting dysfunctional breathing patterns and changing them are two frequent goals of cognitive behavioral therapy.  Breathing exercises are one of the behavioral changes clients can make as opposed to the thought patterns that bring on and maintain the anxious breath.

There are a variety of ways to alter one's breathing therapeutically.  In an earlier post, I described what is often called lower abdominal breathing (LAB).  Many people report success lowering anxiety, stress and anger, for example, using LAB.  Click HERE to review my previous post.

Here, I will post a link to an article where Deborah Rozman talks about a different approach called Heart-Focused Breathing.  Different in that the mental focus on one's heart is suggested rather than strictly on the mechanics of the breath.  Shifting one's focus toward gratitude or a scene that has positive associations is also part of Heart-Focused Breathing.  Click HERE to read Rozman's full post.

So often in therapy my message is  this:  Don't give up.  Experiment with different styles of breath work.  Finding the style that assists in calming your body and quieting your mind is what we're after ... not sticking to any particular, recommended type.

Painting, Heart Says Breathe by Laurie Maves and can be viewed HERE. 

Say No To Drugs - What Helps for Depression

It is more and more common for clients to tell me they want to work on their mental health symptoms without the use of medications, especially in light of recent findings questioning the efficacy of several commonly prescribed antidepressants.  I like to support the goal of avoiding psychotropic medications in some situations.  While it is true that some disorders typically require medication (bipolar disorder, schizophrenia), especially those where the symptoms have reached severe levels (persistent suicidal thoughts, planning or intent), it is often a welcome sign that a person is interested in doing all they can, on their own, to feel better. 

So when I read this review on PsychCentral, written by Therese Borchard, I wanted to share a summary here for those of you who want to know what are some of the most effective ways to manage your depression without medication.  Although, I want to add, these are excellent suggestions for people taking medications as well.

Six Steps for Beating Depression

From 
“The Depression Cure: 6-Step Program to Beat Depression without Drugs,”

by Stephen Ilardi

1. Omega-3 Fatty Acids   Seafood, oils (flaxseed oil -unheated; canola or soybean oil for cooking), beans (kidney, pinto, mungo), nuts, seeds, spinach, winter squash, broccoli, cauliflower, dietary supplements (fish oil, flaxseed oil).



2. Engaged Activity  keeps us from ruminating, and ruminating causes depression.
Socializing, reading, hobbies, creating art, exercise of all kinds.


3. Physical Exercise    Research suggests 30 minutes  of brisk walking three times a week can be as effective as some medications AND exercisers are less likely to become depressed again later.    

Activities such as walking, biking, jogging, and weight lifting.  Exercise changes the brain. It increases the activity level of important brain chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin and a key growth hormone called BDNF. Because levels of this hormone plummet in depression, some parts of the brain start to shrink over time, and learning and memory are impaired. But exercise reverses this trend, protecting the brain in a way nothing else can.


4. Sunlight Exposure Important for keeping the body’s internal clock working properly. Without light exposure, the body clock gets out of sync, throwing off important circadian rhythms that regulate energy, sleep, appetite, and hormone levels. On average – a half hour of sunlight is enough to reset your body clock, even on gray, cloudy days.


5. Social Support   Relationships matter. The more satisfying the connections, the better. Think about ways to increase the number of people in your social network especially those you can confide in.


6. Sleep    Disrupted sleep is one of the most potent triggers of depression, and there’s evidence that most episodes of mood disorder are preceded by at least several weeks of subpar slumber.   Keep a sleep log.  Each morning write the estimated number of hours you slept the night before to include approximately how many times you woke up throughout the night and couldn’t get back to sleep for more than ~ten minutes.  

15 Steps to Better Mental Health

Walking in the Rain

by L C Neill

Yet another excellent post by Dr. Deb -- A list of 15 Tips for Mental Fitness that she found on a University of Washington publication. It's such a great list, in fact, I had to post it here:

1. Learn to Relax
Allow yourself to let go of inner tensions by giving yourself a “mini vacation.” Give your mind a break by becoming engrossed in a good book, watching a movie, listening to music, taking a walk, working on a hobby, meditating or similar activity that is relaxing for you.

2. Be Kind To YourselfPeople are frequently too hard on themselves when things don’t go right. Tune into your self talk, and counteract your negative thoughts about yourself with positive statements.

3. Eat ProperlyNutrition has a direct impact on feeling mentally positive. Limit your intake of sugar, fat, salt, caffeine and alcohol and help yourself stay mentally fit.

4. Find A Friend
Friendships are very important to mental fitness. Working on developing and maintaining friendships is one of the best ways to continue growing as a person. Expressing feelings and ideas to another person can help us clarify what’s truly important to ourselves.

5. Learn to Say “No”Often people feel the need to respond immediately when a friend or family member make a request. Help yourself set limits by avoiding the quick “knee jerk” response in the affirmative. Instead, let them know you will get back to them shortly. Then do a check of your schedule; ask yourself if you really want to add to your load. Give yourself permission to say “No” when you are too busy to take on additional commitments of your time or energy.

6. ExerciseCheck with your doctor about what level is best for you. Even a brisk 15-minute walk, three times a week does wonders for how you think and feel.

7. Do It NowProcrastination can lead to negative feelings about yourself. One doesn’t have to go to extremes, but it can feel very satisfying at the end of the day to have accomplished a hard task or met a difficult situation head-on.

8. Adapt To Rather Than Resist ChangeChange is inevitable and is a necessary part of life. The important thing is to be patient with yourself when you are going through change, and to give yourself time to go through the phases of transition. Realize it takes time to let go of the old and embrace the new.

9. Test Your Assumptions
Sometimes in our interactions with other people, we make the most incredible assumptions and act as if they are true. Rather than assuming, it might be worth the risk to ask directly what was meant.

10. Express Your Feelings
Emotions are a natural response to life. It is important to find ways to express your feelings. Journaling your thoughts is one way that can help you clarify what you are feeling. Once you have identified your feelings, you may find it easier to share them with others.

11. Grieve Losses
Sadness and grief are natural and appropriate responses to the losses which we all experience. Grief over the loss of a love one can be very painful and may last for some time. By being kind and allowing ourselves the time to grieve, we have the potential to be stronger than ever

12. Rest
Get a good night’s sleep. Not everyone needs the same amount of sleep, but it should be restful sleep. There are many techniques available to help promote relaxation; or, you might want to check with your doctor rather than assuming your restless sleep is simply something you have to live with.

13. Review Your “Shoulds”If you feel stuck by some things you “should” be doing and aren’t, set a time limit by which you will either have them done or get rid of them. Staying stuck in the middle is a good way to punish yourself and cause mental anguish and stress.

14. Have A Laugh
Nurture your sense of humor, especially about yourself. Trying to see the humorous side of things makes even the most difficult situations easier to bear. Laughter is good medicine. Being too serious limits your ability to enjoy life.

15. Ask For HelpIf you need emotional support or just someone to talk to, don’t be afraid to ask for it. There are times in life when everyone must look outside themselves for comfort and advice. If friends can do the job, ask them to help. If not, be assured that professional help is available through your employee assistance program.

I would like to add a suggestion of my own to the list: Look at art. Even better, create some yourself.

How about you, reader? Anything you'd like to add to the list?

Small Talk, Big Skill

Very often in therapy, building friendships becomes a behavioral goal. Two of my earlier posts talk about finding oneself with too few friends and some general strategies for finding friends. This post will give some suggestions on what to actually talk about once you have found people worth getting to know.

Putting yourself in a situation where you can meet people is an important step in the friend-building process. A next, big step and helpful skill is the art of initiating a conversation. A step many people find very anxiety producing. A step many believe they are no good at. A step many people are too afraid to try. A step the leaves people avoiding social situations altogether.

It may be a comfort to know that many people experience social anxiety and many people report having trouble coming up conversation starters. So it never hurts to remind yourself that you're not the only person who struggles to break the ice and make small talk.

But when two people are standing next to each other, and the idea is to socialize, somebody's got to do it, right? And it may as well be you. Especially if you're motivated because (a) you want more connections in your life and (b) someone has caught your eye.

And you never know, the person you're eyeing could be more shy than you. Could be hoping you talk first. Could welcome an end to the awkwardness. This is when you can take a deep breath and tell yourself that your attempt at small talk might just be appreciated.

There are three main types of small talk that I will cover: (1) Ice Breakers (2) Introductions, and (3) Follow Ups. Today's post will concern itself with Ice Breakers. In a later post, or two, we'll talk about Introductions and Follow Ups.

With Ice Breakers, here are some suggestions to keep in mind:

(1) You're not trying to make a deep connection the first time you meet. You don't need to dazzle or impress. You're just trying to get some conversation, any conversation, started. So keep your opener short and simple.

(2) The less you know the person, the less personal your comment or question. Keep your comments neutral and general. Focus on something around you, not about you.

(3) Likewise, the more conventional your location, the more conventional you will want to keep the conversation topics. Conventional means neutral, common, general, maybe even boring. Don't ruffle feathers. Don't try to be profound. Keep it light and upbeat.

If you are in an edgy nightclub, at a rock concert, or watching performance art, taking risks might work. But in general, it's safer to keep your comments bland. You don't know this person yet, or very well, so you don't want to startle, pry or challenge. You want to keep it comfortable. And the less you know about a person, keeping it bland is the safest bet.

(4) Look for something you have in common with the person you're trying to talk to. You may be wondering, what if I don't know this person very well? How you can I possibly know what we have in common. Well, here's the answer. At a minimum, what you have in common is your location.

So look around you. Whether you're in the same room or standing on the same sidewalk, at a minimum you've got your physical surroundings in common. And always? There's the weather.

Here are some general topics along these lines:

4The weather (again, it works).

4Traffic (everybody hates it).

4The building.

4The club, organization or group that is holding the function.

4The sports team that's on the television above the bar (but only if he is paying attention).

4The music that's playing.

4The people you both know.

4The class you're both taking.

4The store in which you're standing in line.

Here are a few examples of Ice Breakers:

At a house party: "Who do you know here?" Or, "How do you know Jon and Cara?" "Do you know this neighborhood very well?"

At a wedding: "Are you here with the bride or the groom?" "How long have you known her?" "Their vows were so unusual. Do you know if they wrote them?" "I know the bride but not much about the groom. Do you know how they met?"

At a neighborhood barbeque: "Do you live in this neighborhood?" "I can't believe how overcast it is today. I hope it doesn't rain." "I see Donna has put in some new landscaping over there. She's really keeping her yard nice." "It's been ages since I've had barbeque. I definately brought my appetite with me today. How about you? Are you much for beef brisket?"

At a restaurant or nightclub: "Have you eaten here before?" "Did you have to wait long for your glass of wine?" "What do you suggest on the menu?" "Have you tried the sushi here? Is it any good?" "Where do people park in this town? It took me forever to find a place."

If you look back at the Ice Breakers I suggested, they mostly tend to focus the topic of conversation away from the personal, away from the individuals involved. Instead they direct the questions to people and things around them.

When someone doesn't know you very well, they may not be interested in discussing anything very revealing about themselves. So wait a good while before asking questions of a personal nature.

Sometimes the person you approach will respond to your ice breaker in a talkative way. But there's also the chance of a lengthy pause, an awkward silence. So a future post will talk about the next step, conversational Follow-Uppers.

Meanwhile, picture yourself in a recent situation where you wish you had tried to start a conversation. Or you did make an attempt but didn't get very far. And now refer back to my suggestions and see if you can come up with a few Ice Breakers of your own. Practicing in your head, or covert rehearsal in CBT language, is a good way to up your chances of success the next time around.

A few links you might find helpful:

Tips for Starting Conversation with People you Don't know by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

The Shy Person's Guide to Conversation by Susie Cortright

Small Talk on the Job

And there are books on the topic:

The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine

Small Talk: The Art of Socializing by Kathy Schmidt, Louise Jordan, and Marisha Rogers

The Art of Mingling by Jeanne Martinet

Conversationally Speaking by Alan Garner

Painting: The Conversation by Shelley Grund

Sandy Andrews, PhD is a Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist in Austin, Texas

finding friends

In my last post, I talked about being new in a city and the struggle to find friends.

Years ago, I read a research study dealing with social support. It found that the variable most predictive of a friendship developing between any two people was, simply, time spent together. Not common interests, like I guessed. Not same background or religion. Not age. Not level of education.

Greater length of time spent in each other's company was the factor most associated with friendship bonding. Either long periods of time in one space (think weekend workshop or jury duty) or repetitive intervals across time (weekly art class). Time that allows for talking and getting to know each well enough to break down the barriers and move to a point where calling each other for a get together feels acceptable. Safe. And eventually easy.

I wish it were faster. I wish we could attend a party, walk up to someone new and say, "Hi. I overheard your conversation and you seem like someone I could be friends with." But this rarely happens. It might have been this easy in kindergarten. The older we get, though, the longer it usually takes. We grown ups are a leery lot.

Place of employment is a common venue for making friends. We can see the "time spent together" factor at work here. Many of my clients in this friendless predicament report the social scenerio at their jobs is lacking They might have made slight inroads or none. "Everyone is married." Or, "They're all older than me." Or, "They all do the bar hopping scene. I don't like bars." When friends don't arise in the work place, it can lead to looking around and wondering, "Now what?"

Well, here's one idea for the now what. Remember this one goal: Put yourself into situations where you are likely to see the same people again and again.

Visiting a museum one afternoon is not going to cut it. Signing up for a book club where the same people will be meeting week after week might.

What kind of situations? Start with an interest. A hobby. A creative outlet. An athletic pursuit.

What do I like to do? What am I interested in doing that I've never done before? What have I long wanted to try but haven't made the time to do so? Gardening? Creative writing? Volley ball? Woodworking?

Thumb through the newspaper in the local/metro or life section. Check out informal classes or adult education available at nearby colleges. Read over the available class schedules as a way of getting ideas or jogging your memory: photography, landscaping, stained glass, salsa or country western dance, yoga, walking tours, home improvement, bridge, dominoes.

Look for events that meet repeatedly, once/week or every other, where it seems likely you'll see the same faces on a repeat basis. A one-time seminar on a Saturday is better than sitting home and meeting no one. But a class or support group that meets regularly is a better bet for getting in the time needed to develop a friendship.

Some venues encourage interacting, such as team sports, creative writing classes, support groups, walking clubs. Others are more of a solitary pursuit. Avoid the latter. We want to optimize our recreation and volunteer time. Go where the opportunity for getting to know others is made easy.

The beauty of my plan is this: Even if your pursuit doesn't result in friends, let's say you're not interested in anyone who shows up, you are spending time doing something entertaining, challenging, and fun. You might be learning something.

Another benefit? You become more interesting this way. So when you do meet someone who has friendship potential, you're more likely to have something to offer. To be found friendship worthy.

So starting with something you're interested in is one friendship finding avenue. I'll have more to offer in a later post or two.

cognitive behavioral therapy, 101

I get a lot of phone calls from new clients who want to schedule with a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). They've been told by their doctor, attorney or friend to seek out CBT but they don't know what it is, exactly.

I welcome these questions. When clients are more informed about their treatment, they tend to feel more comfortable in our sessions and do better when they get home. And I don't believe clients who ask these questions are dummies, just so you know (I can't speak for the authors of the book). I expect that most people have little idea what CBT is and I'm happy to explain.

CBT refers to two different components: Cognitive is the thinking part of therapy; Behavioral is the doing.

Very simply, CBT aims to help us change how we think and change how we behave. To recognize patterns of thinking that lead to unpleasant

feelings. To change what we do so that we feel better more of the time.

The example I give most often: You're depressed because you've gained a lot of weight. You feel hopeless about ever losing the extra pounds. Your depression leaves you feeling unmotivated to exercise more.

The cognitive piece of CBT will help identify faulty thinking patterns

that contribute toward gaining weight and feeling depressed:

"I'm never going to lose this weight. Why even try? I give up."
"All I can think about is food."
"I deserve to eat this dessert."

"I can't stand how I look."

"I feel just awful."

"I want to crawl into bed and stay there."

The behavioral component will help identify small changes in behavior that will help you reach your goals (exercise more, eat less). Tweaking the goals in such a way that you are more likely to succeed. Small, doable steps replace lofty, out-of-reach goals.

There are many common, nearly universal thinking patterns that I listen for and teach my clients to hear within themselves. And to change. We'll get to those in later posts.

1st image source here

2nd image source here, but originally found here