Taking Steps to Overcome Chronic Loneliness

There are many studies that look at loneliness and are finding it is increasingly common and associated with serious health problems.  Although social media is designed to connect people (facebook, instagram, twitter, and the like) psychologists and researchers are finding more people are feeling disconnected and lonely than ever.

Cultivating friendships becomes so important as a way to combat loneliness.  Dr. Randy Kamen makes numerous suggestions for making friends, here. I have written about strategies in previous posts, here.

I offer a few of the most often cited suggestions:

1.  Choose a volunteer activity.  One that helps a needy population or is helping solve a societal problem that concerns you will likely be most beneficial to you.  Engaging in meaningful work, whether a paid job or volunteer work, can help ease feelings of loneliness and increase feelings of positive well being.

2.  Explore support groups.  Support groups are usually led by volunteers, typically someone who has benefited from several years of experience in the support group arena. One support group I often refer to is Recovery International (formerly Recovery, Inc.).  This group helps it's members with skills to overcome anxiety, depression, and loneliness. You can email the contact person for the Austin, TX area, here.  I talk in more detail about this support group in an earlier post, here.

3.  Participate in group therapy.  Here in Austin, TX we have The Austin Group Psychotherapy Society which provides a convenient website that lists many group therapy opportunities available in the Austin area.  Click here to see the list and description of group therapy experiences available. For readers in other parts of the country, try contacting a licensed psychologist in your nearest city and ask for referrals to group therapy providers. Group therapy is lead by paid professionals.  I strongly recommend a professional who is licensed with a mental health certification in your state (licensed psychologist, clinical social worker, marriage and family therapist, etc.)

People who feel lonely sometimes are people who have struggled with shyness for most of their lives.  Many report feeling awkward in social interactions, feeling unable to converse in a way that helps them connect with others or in a way gains them reciprocal interest.  Group therapy, support group participation, and other types of settings which promote conversation between people (MeetUps for example) is one avenue to observe and practice the art of talking to people in a way that garners friendships.  Practice may not make perfect but it certainly can help shy and lonely people reach out more effectively.

Sandy Andrews, PhD Psychologist Specializing in CBT
South Austin, TX 

Good Conversation Means Good Listening

As a psychologist who treats socially anxious patients with CBT, one of the behavioral skills I put in the treatment plan is meeting new people.  Or, getting closer to someone we kind of know but don't know well enough to invite for an outing.  How do we go from meeting someone new at a BBQ or from a conversation at the copy machine or from chatting on Google hangouts to the point where we can call that person a friend?

In a word: conversation.  Or more accurately, listening, according to Celeste Headlee in her TED Talk: 10 ways to have a better conversation.

Don't have the time to watch her 12 minute talk?  You can read her full transcript, here.

Or, in an even bigger hurry?  I've listed her ten rules of thumb for better conversation below:

1. Attend.  Give your full attention.  Don't multitask.  Look in their eyes, not at your watch or that cute boy who walked by.  And absolutely, do not glance at your cell phone.  If your text notification goes off?  Unless it's from your mother's surgeon, ignore.  Better yet, say excuse me while I mute this.  I want to hear what you're saying.   

2. Set yourself aside, in the words of Road Less Traveled author Dr. Scott Peck. Don't pontificate. Don't lecture. Refrain from sharing your opinion (no matter how well researched it is).  Assume you have something to learn. In Celeste's words, Everyone is an expert in something.

3. Use open-ended questions, like journalists do.  Start your questions with Who, What, When, Where, Why or How. (Here I will violate Rule #2 and interject my well researched opinion:  skip the Why questions:  They tend to sound accusing or judgmental.)  Try asking your new acquaintance, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?" "So what did you think at that point?"  "How did you know to do that?"

4. Go with the flow. When an opinion or reply comes into your mind, ignore and listen for a little bit longer. Stay focused on their story.

5. If you don't know, say that you don't know. We all like to be the expert on something.  And so does the person you are trying to friend.

6. Assume their story is unique.  Because it is.  How they felt when their favorite sports team won the tournament is not the same as how you felt when your team won. In Celeste's words,  Don't equate your experience with theirs.

7. Try not to repeat yourself. Don't be boring. Resist the impulse to say, for the third time, that witty remark you made to your cubicle neighbor.

8. Keep to the basic plot of your story.  Stay out of the weeds. You don't need to remember the specific dates, names, street names of that excellent Taco house you like to visit.  Your listener cares about you and how you felt.

9.  Listen. As Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth." Use them accordingly. Who is Epictetus?  It doesn't matter. (Refer to Rule #8).

10. Be brief.

And with that?  I will briefly end this post.

Sandy Andrews, PhD  is a Clinical Psychologist / Therapist who provides CBT in Austin, Texas