Couples Communication: Assertiveness with Empathy

Sheep Herd Tapestry 

by Barbara Levitux

The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years 

without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit 

only to be admired in sheep.  

-Alan Patrick Herbert, English writer and Member of Parliament

Most all of us understand that constant bickering, arguing, and loud shouting matches are not healthy for relationships.  But what too few people understand is that the opposite is not healthy either.  Any longtime partnership, be it love or work, will involve conflict.  And conflict necessitates talking it out.

John Gottman, PhD and his research team have found* that couples who seldom argue, conflict avoiders as he calls them, are at high risk to break up.

Couples therapy almost always involves learning and practicing assertive communication skills.  In my couples work and individual therapy I encourage assertiveness with empathy as one form of resolving conflict.

This will probably take you by surprise but I don't like going to the same restaurants all the time. I know they are your favorites but I'd like to try something new. What do you think? 

Text in red denotes statements of empathy or showing that you understand and care about the other person's viewpoint.

Using empathic statements helps make assertiveness more successful.  Helps the partner you are communicating with feel heard, more at ease, understood, rather than attacked. Helps the partner be more open to your suggestions.

I know you like for me to do the laundry but I want to change things up.  I want do my own and you do your own from now on. I've gotten busier at work and don't have as much free time as I used to.  You may not know how, but I can show you this weekend if you'd like.

Can you think of a complaint you have aimed at your partner that you can turn into an assertive, empathic request?

*Gottman, John M.; Krokoff, Lowell J., Marital interaction and satisfaction: A longitudinal view. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Vol 57(1), Feb 1989, 47-52. doi:10.1037/0022-006X.57.1.47

Making Marriage Work - A Recommended Book

Speaking of marital therapy, one book I really, really like to recommend for couples, one that has helped many that I've worked with, probably more than any other (in my experience), one that both partners seem to easily buy into (very important), is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD.

This couples self-help book is fairly easy to understand, fairly straight forward. Gottman uses very common, everyday speak. It's largely research / outcome /evidence based advice, which means he bases his suggestions on findings in a lab, instead of touchy-feely, abstract, unituitive, flowery language that leaves readers feeling good and hopeful but without any explicit tools to apply to their relationship, and thus, no true or lasting impact.

Gottman's Seven Principles deals quite a bit with anger and how a high degree of anger can negatively impact a marriage, whether the anger is externalized - yelling, blaming, name-calling, stomping, hitting, having an affair; or internalized - stewing, turning away, shutting oneself off, silent treatment, self blame, martyrdom.

The portion in the book I refer to most often is the section Gottman refers to as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" -- four communication patterns to eliminate from your relationship:

1. Criticism - or as one psychologist described them, ad hominem personal attacks. Rather than make a complaint about a specific behavior, followed by a request for positive change, habitual criticisms and verbal attacks are toxic in a marriage or partnership.

2. Contempt - I like to describe this as saying one thing with your words but saying something entirely different, and critical or derogatory, with your voice tone and/or body language. Some researchers believe that 90% of communication is non-verbal. So ugly, harsh voice tone tends to be the loudest of all. Gottman's research has also suggested that men, in particular, are highly sensitive to women's voice tone. Maybe the condescending or critical female tone reminds them of being scolded by dear-old-Mom, the powerlessness associated with those unpleasant memories. I don't know. But it bears reminding that a shrill tone of voice is a huge turnoff.

3. Defensiveness - When faced with a partner's complaint, taking a super defensive posture can be a fast track to getting nowhere. So often in an arguement we see the pattern of complaint, followed by the partner's defensiveness, followed by the same partner's cross complaint.

example:

Partner 1: You don't help enough around the house.

Partner 2: Me? I do plenty around this house! What about you? You never make the bed in the morning and you're always leaving a mess on the bathroom counter!

Defensiveness followed by cross complaint followed by defensiveness followed by cross complaint. It can be an endless, vicious cycle. No one is listening. No one is taking responsibility. No one is offering to make changes.

4. Stonewalling - Shutting down communication is the cornerstone of stonewalling. Refusing to talk, basically. And it isn't only verbal. Meeting a spouse's complaints with a blank stare or a hostile glare or other forms of aggressive body language (arms crossed, jaw jutted out), walking out, otherwise known as storming out, slamming doors, staying gone, pouting, sullen expression, avoiding the spouse who dared to voice displeasure.

Gottman is widely published in professional, peer-reviewed journals. He has been doing research on marriages for more than twenty years, looking at what helps marriage last and what behavioral trends are associated with divorce. He touts that he and his researchers are able to predict what factors bring couples to divorce court 95% of the time. Excessive anger is one communication pattern and behavioral style at the top of the list.

Many troubled couples come from families where a lot of anger was freely expressed and heartily justified. Individuals with this background often come into therapy looking for validation that anger is healthy, that anger is good to express.

Gottman's work cuts right through these justifications. Instead of loud, ranting discontent, expressing wants and preferences in a calm and respectful voice tone is at the heart of healthy communication. Disagreement is healthy, yes. Expressing disagreements is healthy, yes. In fact, Gottman points out that marriage with the least amount of conflict are often the most at risk.

But aggressive attacks and screaming matches? Not good.

Communicating in a healthy, assertive way isn't always natural and seldom is it easy. Gottman's work helps show the way in simple, concrete terms. In a world full of bookstores full of relationship self-help books, this one is a keeper.

Is Therapy Effective for Highly Distressed Couples?

Inquiring psychologists want to know. Our clinical instincts tell us it must be true. Although we've probably all had days where we have wondered.

Now a large study, the largest of it's kind, in fact, indicates that yes, therapy can help even severely distressed couples, so long as both partners want to save the relationship.

Nearly 135 couples were included in this study. They were provided twenty-six sessions of therapy. Then they were followed for five years after the therapy. Not followed in the creepy stalking way. But assessed at six month intervals for a period of five years to see how they were doing.

"The couples all participated in one of two kinds of therapy. The first, traditional behavioral couple therapy, focuses on making positive changes, including learning better ways of communicating, especially about problems, and better ways of working toward solutions. The second, integrative behavioral couple therapy, uses similar strategies but focuses more on the emotional reactions and not just the actions that led to the emotional reactions. In this approach, couples work at understanding their spouse's emotional sensitivities."

Encouraging results were found. At the end of the study, approximately two-thirds of the couples showed significant improvement.

At the five year follow up, half of the couples remained improved. One third even went from significantly distressed to "happy." Most of us would agree that is a sign of real progress.

Not everyone was helped, however. One quarter were separated or divorced. One quarter stayed the same.

As for the two different types of treatment, long term gains were about the same whether couples participated in the traditional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or the Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy.

You can read more about the study in a summary posted at Science Daily, here. Or to read the study in it's entirety by following this link.

Journal Reference:

1. Christensen et al. Marital status and satisfaction five years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy.. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 2010; 78 (2): 225 DOI: 10.1037/a0018132

One more thing, Dr. Andrew Christensen (UCLA) and Dr. Brian Doss are developing an online training program for couples. If you are interested in signing up for their online study, you can sign up at OurRelationship.com, here.