Dreaded Conversations and the Sandwich

Most people don’t take negative feedback lightly and most of us dread giving it. Judith Orloff, M.D. explains one way to offer criticism in the most effective and sensitive way: the sandwich technique. This deliberate strategy lessens the risk of offending.

Orloff suggests that you begin and end your feedback on a positive note. For example, emphasize a positive quality, then express your concern, and last, end the conversation with another compliment.  Orloff notes that it’s important to be authentic, stay away from generic people pleasing, and do not, under any circumstances, hand them the kitchen sink (listing every complaint in one sitting).  Read more HERE.

Couples Communication: Assertiveness with Empathy

Sheep Herd Tapestry 

by Barbara Levitux

The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years 

without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit 

only to be admired in sheep.  

-Alan Patrick Herbert, English writer and Member of Parliament

Most all of us understand that constant bickering, arguing, and loud shouting matches are not healthy for relationships.  But what too few people understand is that the opposite is not healthy either.  Any longtime partnership, be it love or work, will involve conflict.  And conflict necessitates talking it out.

John Gottman, PhD and his research team have found* that couples who seldom argue, conflict avoiders as he calls them, are at high risk to break up.

Couples therapy almost always involves learning and practicing assertive communication skills.  In my couples work and individual therapy I encourage assertiveness with empathy as one form of resolving conflict.

This will probably take you by surprise but I don't like going to the same restaurants all the time. I know they are your favorites but I'd like to try something new. What do you think? 

Text in red denotes statements of empathy or showing that you understand and care about the other person's viewpoint.

Using empathic statements helps make assertiveness more successful.  Helps the partner you are communicating with feel heard, more at ease, understood, rather than attacked. Helps the partner be more open to your suggestions.

I know you like for me to do the laundry but I want to change things up.  I want do my own and you do your own from now on. I've gotten busier at work and don't have as much free time as I used to.  You may not know how, but I can show you this weekend if you'd like.

Can you think of a complaint you have aimed at your partner that you can turn into an assertive, empathic request?

*Gottman, John M.; Krokoff, Lowell J., Marital interaction and satisfaction: A longitudinal view. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Vol 57(1), Feb 1989, 47-52. doi:10.1037/0022-006X.57.1.47