Getting the Sleep You Need: Tips for a Better Night's Rest

Getting a good night's sleep is an integral part of mental health. When we get too few hours of sleep or wake up feeling as though we haven't had enough rest, especially on a regular basis, our emotional and physical wellbeing can suffer dramatically.  Too many sleep deprived nights and we are at risk for depression, panic disorder, and persistent insomnia, to name a few long term problems.  Below are many changes and sleep hygiene tips often recommended to those struggling to get to sleep.

TIPS FOR BETTER DAYTIME HABITS

Do not nap during the day - you will throw off your body clock and make it even more difficult to sleep at night. If you are feeling especially tired, and feel as if you absolutely must nap, be sure to sleep for less than 30 minutes, early in the day.

Limit caffeine, alcohol and nicotine. Avoid drinking caffeine or alcoholic beverages for several hours before bedtime. Although alcohol may initially act as a sedative, it can interrupt normal sleep patterns. Nicotine is a stimulant and can make it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep. Many over-the-counter and prescription drugs disrupt sleep, especially decongestants (examples: Sudafed, phenylpropanolamine).

Expose yourself to bright light/sunlight soon after awakening. This will help to regulate your body's natural biological clock. Likewise, try to keep your bedroom dark while you are sleeping so that the light will not interfere with your rest.

Exercise early in the day. Twenty to thirty minutes of exercise every day can help you sleep, but be sure to exercise in the morning or afternoon. Exercise stimulates the body and aerobic activity before bedtime may make falling asleep more difficult.

Check your iron level. Iron deficient women tend to have more problems sleeping, so if your blood is iron poor, a supplement might help your health and your ability to sleep.

TIPS FOR A BETTER PLACE TO SLEEP

Keep your bedroom peaceful and comfortable. Make sure your room is well ventilated and the temperature consistent. And try to keep it quiet. You could use a fan or a "white noise" machine to help block outside noises.

Your bed. Make sure your bed is large enough, and comfortable. If you are disturbed by a restless bedmate, switch to a queen- or king-size bed. Test different types of mattresses. Try therapeutic shaped foam pillows that cradle your neck or extra pillows that help you sleep on your side. Get comfortable cotton sheets.

Your bedroom. Make your bedroom primarily a place for sleeping. It is not a good idea to use your bed for paying bills, doing work, watching tv, etc. Help your body recognize that this is a place for rest or intimacy.

Your clock. Hide it. A big, illuminated digital clock may lead you to watch the time. You end up feeling stressed and anxious worrying about how many hours sleep you will, or will not, get. Place your clock so you can't see the time when you are in bed.

TIPS FOR A BETTER PRE-SLEEP RITUAL

Keep a regular schedule. Try to go to bed and wake up at the same time everyday, even on the weekends. This will help your body expect sleep at the same time each day. Don’t oversleep to make up for a poor night’s sleep – doing that for even a couple of days can reset your body clock and make it hard for you to get to sleep at night.

Turn down the lighting in the evening. The closer you are to bedtime, avoid bright or blinking lights. Late night internet browsing is a big cause of insomnia. If you must use the computer at night, turn down the contrast button on your monitor. The television and video games are other sources of blinking lights that disrupt your body's ability to move toward sleep mode.

Relax for a while before going to bed. Spending quiet time can make falling asleep easier. This may include meditation, relaxation and/or breathing exercises, or taking a warm bath. Try listening to recorded relaxation or guided imagery programs.

Incorporate bedtime rituals. Establish a routine. Turn down the lights, listen to soft music, sip a cup of herbal tea (caffeine free), put on PJ's, brush teeth, wash face, etc., A routine cues your body that it's time to slow down and begin to prepare for sleep.

Don’t eat a large, heavy meal before bed. This can cause indigestion and interfere with your normal sleep cycle. Try to eat your dinner at least two hours before bedtime.

Light bedtime snacks can help. An amino acid called tryptophan, found in milk, turkey, and peanuts, helps the brain produce serotonin, a chemical that helps you relax. Try drinking warm milk or eating a slice of toast with peanut butter or a bowl of cereal before bedtime. Plus, the warmth of the food may temporarily increase your body temperature and the subsequent drop may hasten sleep. Light carbohydrates can help. Crackers in bed, anyone?

Jot down your concerns and worries. Anxiety excites the nervous system, so your brain sends messages to the adrenal glands, making you more alert. Write down your worries and possible solutions before you go to bed, so you don't need to ruminate in the middle of the night. A journal or "to do" list may be very helpful in letting you put away these concerns until the next day when you are fresh.

Go to sleep when you are sleepy. When you feel tired, go to bed.

Avoid "over-the-counter" medication sleep aids, and make sure that your prescribed medications do not cause insomnia. Over-the-counter "sleep aids" can be effective in the short term but can lead to long term, harder to treat cases of insomnia. In some cases, there are safety concerns. Antihistamine sleep aids, in particular, have a long duration of action and can cause daytime drowsiness. Always talk to your doctor or healthcare practitioner about your concerns.

Nutritional supplements. Check with your doctor, pharmacist or health care professional before trying nutritional supplements. Some people find that a relaxing, natural sleep aid does wonders.  A list of five supplements commonly recommended for insomnia can be found here.  

TIPS FOR GETTING BACK TO SLEEP

Try guided meditation and/or visualization. Focus all your attention on your toes or visualize walking down an endless stairwell. Imagine yourself in your favorite vacation spot. Use all your senses: imagine what you can see, feel, taste, smell, and touch. Thinking about repetitive or mindless things will help your brain to shut down and adjust to sleep. There are many guided mediations available online.  Meditation Oasis is a great resource.  Lots of meditation podcasts to choose from.  You will never regret learning to quiet your inner mind. 

Try deep breathing for relaxation. Focus on full inhales followed by emptying exhales. Repeat calming statements upon exhales, such as, “I feel peaceful” and “I am floating” and "I can let myself feel calm."  Make up your own.  Breathing exercises can be found here.  For added help, watch and practice deep muscle relaxation (aka, progressive muscle relaxation), here.  

Get out of bed if unable to sleep. Don’t lie in bed awake. Go into another room and do something relaxing until you feel sleepy. Reading something quiet, calming and a little on the boring side is best. Worrying about falling asleep actually keeps many people awake. We call that insomnia about insomnia. 

Don't do anything stimulating. Don't read anything job-related or watch a stimulating TV program (commercials and news shows tend to be alerting) or read an intense thriller. Don't expose yourself to bright light. The light gives cues to your brain that it is time to wake up.

Consider changing your bedtime. If you are experiencing sleeplessness or insomnia consistently, think about going to bed later so that the time you spend in bed is spent sleeping. If you are only getting five hours of sleep at night, figure out what time you need to get up and subtract five hours (for example, if you want to get up at 6:00 am, go to bed at 1:00 am). This may seem counterproductive and, at first, you may be depriving yourself of some sleep, but it can help train your body to sleep consistently while in bed. When you are spending all of your time in bed sleeping, you can gradually sleep more, by adding 15 minutes at a time.

Please Sir, I Want More

From Oliver, the 1968 movie version.

Psychologists often explore the role of sexual satisfaction in a patient's emotional health.  Sex plays a unique role in marriage and monogamous relationships. Sex is one of those activities that depends on partner willingness. If a partner or spouse doesn't like to read and discuss books, for example, the avid reader can join a book club. If a partner doesn't like to go bowling, it's socially acceptable to join a bowling league.

But if a person does not meet the sexual needs of his or her partner, couples generally are not free to go out and have sex with others; or, at least this is not viewed as a socially acceptable option. The promise of monogamy means sex with my partner or spouse only.

The result of the demands of monogamy are thus: When a sexual stalemate occures, couples need to keep trying, keep improving the relationship, and work at communicating.

Disclaimer: This post does not talk about relationship problems and resentments that can interfere with sexual satisfaction, and there are many. Nor does it talk about medical problems that can interfere with healthy sex. Please talk to your physician, preferably a discussion with Ob-Gyn, urologist, or other medical specialist to rule out some of the physical causes of sexual dysfunction. An annual exam, complete with blood work, is essential to rule out physical problems and for maintaining good sexual health.

When I assess an individual's or a couple's sexual intimacy, one the most common problems I see in heterosexual women is believing that their sexual preferences are neglected, ignored, or in some way not prioritized. While similar problems occur in same sex relationships, I will confine this discussion to straight couples for the ease and flow of wording.

In many cases, women report sexual passivity: A typical pattern is for the man to initiate the sexual flow, from start to finish, with the woman giving little input. Not surprisingly, she is often deprived of an orgasm.

Or if she does experience one, it is not fully satisfying. After all, some studies indicate that the average female orgasm can last up to 20 seconds. Compared to a man's 8 seconds. But many women estimate their orgasms last in the 4-5 second range. It's an orgasm, yes, but not as satisfying as can be. Researchers tell us women are capable of so much more. More frequent, longer and even multiple orgasms.

In short, many women are left humming the familiar Peggy Lee tune:

For too many women, too much untapped potential remains. Which may help explain why so many long-term couples report the bed-dead syndrome. No sex at all. For years. Or near dead. Sex that occurs along the order of once or twice a year. A sex life in need of resuscitation.

With this in mind, I frequently encourage women to let their partners know what they want. Simple enough, right?

Not at all, as it turns out. Many women report finding it difficult to approach their mates with sexual requests or to give honest feedback when their needs are not met. When, in short, they don't reach orgasm. Many women report feeling shy, awkward, and inhibited.

PostSecret

Sexual Assertiveness 101 - I wish it were a required course in the school of relationships.

Let's look at cases where women DO tell their husbands what they want, usually some form of wanting more direct clitoral stimulation, either orally or manually. Problem solved? Not so fast. The complaint I frequently hear is that the man doesn't follow through. He doesn't change his usual repetoire. Or the change is so short lived that she still doesn't get where she wants to go. So he may give her more, but its only about a minute or so more, when what she really needs is, say, 20 minutes more. Or longer.

In fact, research has shown us that women require, on average, 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm during partner sex (from a partner; during masturbation, the average time required shortens considerably).

On average means that some women take only a few minutes and some women take much longer, say 30 or 40 minutes. Which is not to say women can't work to reduce this time frame. Women can. With practice and experimenting with various modes of stimulation. And with regular communication, men can learn what women like and lessen her time-to-orgasm and help her achieve more satisfying orgasms.

But back to women communicating with little success. I often hear that after a woman works up the nerve to express her preferences, her partner follows through for the next few encounters, but then the changes trail off. Back to the ordinary fare. No orgasm for the unlucky lady. She often feels neglected and assumes her pleasure is unimportant to him.

This scenario can be a disappointing, frustrating, confusing, lonely, and even an angry, time in a relationship. Must he be handed a honey-do-list before each and every sexperience? Why doesn't he get that these preferences are something needed as part of the main course and not an optional dessert? Is he that dense? Or uncaring? These are some of the questions I hear.

Some women are left wondering if he cares more about (1) pleasing himself; (2) giving the woman what he wants her to enjoy (refer to #1) rather than what she actually enjoys; (3) giving the woman what he hopes she will enjoy, without checking to see whether she actually does enjoy it -- unless we count the cursory and often dreaded question, "Was that good for you, too?" Too often, however, neither the question nor the answer is honest.

Speaking of dishonesty, many women report they fake orgasms in order to "get it over with" because they know their partner won't stop until he thinks she's had one. The thinking goes, if he's going to persist in all that misguided thrusting, often to the point of soreness, she may as well end it sooner rather than later. It's easy to see how a vicious cycle of faking can develop.

An equal opportunity factoid: Men fake orgasms too. But it's certainly more common in women.

Men, when confronted with their partner's request for change, have reportedly replied, "But what we've been doing has always worked for you before." This sets up what can become an opportunity for the woman to admit she's been faking. But should she? A dicey situation. The answer is highly individual, depending on the couple (true of virtually every sexual scenario). Women often report feeling more worried about their partner's ego than they do about their own pleasure. They often will not admit to faking. They feel stuck.

Yet another motive in the man's lack of persistence in following his partner's request: He avoids the awkwardness and uncertainty of trying unfamiliar techniques. It's psychologically uncomfortable. It feels risky. What if this doesn't work, either? Does that make me a lousy lover? He may not want to ruin his heretofore all too infrequent chance at sex. And who wants to end sex with nobody having an orgasm? With disappointment and despair? So he sticks to his comfort zone, the safety of what he knows, and hopes for the best.

So is this another one of those men-are-selfish-cads rant? No. Most men report that they want very much to please their partners. They find a woman's pleasure a big turn on. In this regard, traditional pornography may be teaching us something relevant (reluctant as I am to admit that pornography offers anything close to a healthy education). Ever notice how the camera is frequently aimed at the woman's face? Way more often than the man's? Men, apparently, are turned on by seeing a woman's facial signs of pleasure (never mind that the porn star is faking, too). Porn fantasy is all about placing oneself in the starring role, and for men, that role is being a successful, knowing sex partner, reliably giving his partner an orgasm. Giving her scads of them, in fact, and if pornography is to be believed, orgasms with just his magnificent penis!

But the plain truth of couple's sexuality is that only 20% (or thereabouts) of women regularly orgasm through penetration alone. I haven't checked out much pornography lately, but the "penis only" formula was pretty much the standard fare the last time I looked. Little or no oral sex for the woman. Little or not manual stimulation. Little or no direct clitoral stimulation. At least not for the length of time most women require.

By the way, you've probably noticed by now that 20 seems to be the magic number* when it comes to female sexuality:

- 20-second orgasms

- 20-minutes to get there

- 20% can orgasm through penetration alone.

*These numbers are approximates, of course. Different studies show varying results.

There are many avenues this post can take, but my main point is to inform women and men of something I don't think we hear often enough: You are not alone. Forget what so many magazines say. Sexual surveys are some of the most inaccurate -- this has been studied, too -- with people consistently over reporting their sexual frequency and satisfaction.

Don't go by what you read, or what you see in the movies or pornography (never) and certainly not what he hears in the locker room. Go by what you feel. Take an honest accounting of your sexual experience. If you're feeling dissastified, if you realize that your partner is not responding to your needs, don't give up on yourself.

Work on it. Read about it. Talk to your partner about it. Explain that you want to have good orgasms too, and yes, maybe even multiple orgasms. And that you want to bat closer to 1000 like he does (maybe). It's an entirely doable goal to reach orgasm close to 100% of the time.

Or, okay, maybe you don't want to shoot for the moon. Shoot for stopping the charade and letting him know you want both of you to enjoy more satisfying sex at least most of the time. If you have trouble talking about it (most couples do), write him a letter, leave him a love note on his pillow, send him an email, send him a link to this post, suggest a book, or better yet, read a book together.

Here are a few books that I like to recommend:

1. The Elusive Orgasm by Vivienne Cass, Ph.D. A comprehensive, up-to-date exploration of physiological and emotional contributions to the female orgasm.

2.. How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure by Lou Paget. This book covers the full gamut in a plain speech format. I especially like how she covers the politics between men and women in the bedroom. She is helping men understand us a little better, like, why, for instance, we are worrying about the piles of laundry while he's trying to pleasure us and what he can do about it (fold laundry), such as, help us unwind before sex instead of "diving right in."

3. Satisfaction by Kim Cattrall ("Sam" from Sex in the City fame). This book gives special attention to oral sex technique, with simple illustrations that men can see for themselves "how to do it." When my husband saw these, he said, "Finally! A picture that lets me see what to do!" Read an excerpt os Satisfaction, here.

4. She Comes First by Ian Kerner. Excerpt here. This book presents this rarely promoted but highly useful concept: couples should prioritize the woman's orgasm first. Afterward, he can have his, because, in general, his is easier, and because her prime is pumped and she can have another while he's having his. Because many women are capable of orgasm via penetration alone AFTER they've had their first (or better, multiple) orgasm. And mostly because, as we experienced women know, he falls asleep after his.

If after much time and communication attempts you feel you are getting nowhere, talk to a licensed professional about it. People routinely consult a professional to improve their golf game or change their hair color. Think of how fulfilling marriage and relationships could be if people reached out as readily for something as vital and as sex.

-Sandy Andrews, Ph.D.

CBT Cognitive Behavioral Psychologist 

Austin, Texas

Thinking About Natural Supplements for Your Symptoms?

When you go into your local health food store or grocery store, are you overwhelmed by the sheer number of herbal remedies and nutritional supplements on the shelves? If you answered yes, you are in good company. It is apparent that many people are taking supplements these days for psychological symptoms, such as depression, anxiety and insomnia to name a few. But how are they getting their information?

I will start with an important disclaimer. I am a clinical psychologist, trained in using psychological techniques and therapies to help people with a variety of mental health symptoms. I am not trained in the use of herbal or nutritional supplements. I do however, often get asked about supplements to help with anxiety, depression, sleep problems, etc. I have heard many anecdotal accounts in my office of some relief using a host of herbs and supplements. But when asked, I typically will discuss and recommend several of the following resources to get the answers my clients seek:

First stop should be your medical provider, such as your physician or psychiatrist.

Ask your doctor what herbs and nutritional supplements s/he recommends for your particular symptoms. Discuss precautions and potential harmful interactions with the medications you are currently taking. Perhaps your physician will be able to make some recommendations. Perhaps not. Then what?

You can ask your doctor to recommend another health care provider who may know more about herbs and nutritional supplements. Physicians who specialize in homeopathic and alternative medicine, for example, may be available in your community. Clinical nutritionists are another type of professional who have been trained in understanding herbal and nutritional remedies. Some pharmacists have a clinical nutritionist on staff. Getting a recommendation from a professional you trust is probably the safest and most reliable direction to take.

Many people rely on the internet for information, however. They try to figure out which supplements to take for what problem by winding through a maze of internet sites.

But many (if not most) internet sites are designed to sell products for profit rather than educate. They often do not contain safety guidelines, contraindications, or disruptive medication interactions. Again, it is wise to talk to your physician or health care provider before you take any nutritional supplement.

My local healthy grocery store has a large vitamin and supplement reference book on hand and staff ready to answer patrons' questions. While this can be helpful, I prefer to also look for research based advice when it comes to understanding which supplement is good for which symptom. After talking to my medical doctor, I want to know what supplements have been researched in controlled outcome studies and what the research says.
The University of Maryland Medical Center's Complementary and Alternative Medicine Index is a great resource that covers several of the essential bases. Here you can browse specific supplements and herbs and find out how to take them, for what purpose, at what recommended dose, and what the research says.
The UMM site offers an easy to use cross reference tool. For example, you can start with a particular condition, such as depression, and read about various physician prescribed medications as well as herbal and nutritional strategies that have been found to be therapeutic.

Hypericum perforatum, commonly known as St. John's Wort flower

The herb known as St. John's Wort, for example, has been prescribed for mild depression at clinics in Europe for many years now. According to the UMM website:
"Most studies show that St. John's wort may be an effective treatment for mild-to-moderate depression, and has fewer side effects than most other prescription antidepressants. But the herb interacts with a wide variety of medications, so it is important to take it only under the guidance of a health care provider."
You can also use the cross reference tool by clicking on a particular herb or nutritional supplement. What does the UMM site have to say about the omega-3 fatty acids (found in fish oils and flax seed oils)?


"Research shows that omega-3 fatty acids reduce inflammation and may help lower risk of chronic diseases such as heart disease, cancer, and arthritis. Omega-3 fatty acids are highly concentrated in the brain and appear to be important for cognitive (brain memory and performance) and behavioral function. In fact, infants who do not get enough omega-3 fatty acids from their mothers during pregnancy are at risk for developing vision and nerve problems. Symptoms of omega-3 fatty acid deficiency include fatigue, poor memory, dry skin, heart problems, mood swings or depression, and poor circulation."
UMM's alternative medicine site offers supporting research references from peer reviewed journals. It discusses potential complications and interactions with medications. It's a great place to start. But, again, check with your doctor after you do your research and before you take a new supplement.
So what are your preferred sites for researching vitamins, herbs and nutritional supplements?

15 Steps to Better Mental Health

Walking in the Rain

by L C Neill

Yet another excellent post by Dr. Deb -- A list of 15 Tips for Mental Fitness that she found on a University of Washington publication. It's such a great list, in fact, I had to post it here:

1. Learn to Relax
Allow yourself to let go of inner tensions by giving yourself a “mini vacation.” Give your mind a break by becoming engrossed in a good book, watching a movie, listening to music, taking a walk, working on a hobby, meditating or similar activity that is relaxing for you.

2. Be Kind To YourselfPeople are frequently too hard on themselves when things don’t go right. Tune into your self talk, and counteract your negative thoughts about yourself with positive statements.

3. Eat ProperlyNutrition has a direct impact on feeling mentally positive. Limit your intake of sugar, fat, salt, caffeine and alcohol and help yourself stay mentally fit.

4. Find A Friend
Friendships are very important to mental fitness. Working on developing and maintaining friendships is one of the best ways to continue growing as a person. Expressing feelings and ideas to another person can help us clarify what’s truly important to ourselves.

5. Learn to Say “No”Often people feel the need to respond immediately when a friend or family member make a request. Help yourself set limits by avoiding the quick “knee jerk” response in the affirmative. Instead, let them know you will get back to them shortly. Then do a check of your schedule; ask yourself if you really want to add to your load. Give yourself permission to say “No” when you are too busy to take on additional commitments of your time or energy.

6. ExerciseCheck with your doctor about what level is best for you. Even a brisk 15-minute walk, three times a week does wonders for how you think and feel.

7. Do It NowProcrastination can lead to negative feelings about yourself. One doesn’t have to go to extremes, but it can feel very satisfying at the end of the day to have accomplished a hard task or met a difficult situation head-on.

8. Adapt To Rather Than Resist ChangeChange is inevitable and is a necessary part of life. The important thing is to be patient with yourself when you are going through change, and to give yourself time to go through the phases of transition. Realize it takes time to let go of the old and embrace the new.

9. Test Your Assumptions
Sometimes in our interactions with other people, we make the most incredible assumptions and act as if they are true. Rather than assuming, it might be worth the risk to ask directly what was meant.

10. Express Your Feelings
Emotions are a natural response to life. It is important to find ways to express your feelings. Journaling your thoughts is one way that can help you clarify what you are feeling. Once you have identified your feelings, you may find it easier to share them with others.

11. Grieve Losses
Sadness and grief are natural and appropriate responses to the losses which we all experience. Grief over the loss of a love one can be very painful and may last for some time. By being kind and allowing ourselves the time to grieve, we have the potential to be stronger than ever

12. Rest
Get a good night’s sleep. Not everyone needs the same amount of sleep, but it should be restful sleep. There are many techniques available to help promote relaxation; or, you might want to check with your doctor rather than assuming your restless sleep is simply something you have to live with.

13. Review Your “Shoulds”If you feel stuck by some things you “should” be doing and aren’t, set a time limit by which you will either have them done or get rid of them. Staying stuck in the middle is a good way to punish yourself and cause mental anguish and stress.

14. Have A Laugh
Nurture your sense of humor, especially about yourself. Trying to see the humorous side of things makes even the most difficult situations easier to bear. Laughter is good medicine. Being too serious limits your ability to enjoy life.

15. Ask For HelpIf you need emotional support or just someone to talk to, don’t be afraid to ask for it. There are times in life when everyone must look outside themselves for comfort and advice. If friends can do the job, ask them to help. If not, be assured that professional help is available through your employee assistance program.

I would like to add a suggestion of my own to the list: Look at art. Even better, create some yourself.

How about you, reader? Anything you'd like to add to the list?

Must Love Dogs or At Least Want to Walk One

In previous posts I have talked about the challenge of finding friends and how to make small talk once you meet new people. Cultivating healthy friendships and getting social support are often such an integral part of therapy.

Not long ago I read a blog post on the topic, 13 Ways to Make Friends. You can read the full post, here.

There are a few additions in the 13 Ways that I hadn't talked about in my posts so I thought I would mention three of them here.

Volunteering: Not only will you come into contact with other caring, proactive fellow volunteers, but receptive and appreciative individuals at the receiving end of your efforts as well. Research has shown that engaging in meaningful work and activities helps alleviate depression, for example.

In short, good feelings can come from helping others.

I should know.

In my city of Austin, Texas, checking out the Get Involved section on the KUT public radio website is a great way to explore volunteer opportunities.

You might check out the websites of your local radio stations, newspapers, churches, or simply ask around. In addition to finding worthwhile volunteer work, asking someone to share their volunteer experiences is a great way to get someone to open up to you.

Get Cyber-Social: Though not as beneficial as face-to-face interactions, joining internet support groups and social networking sites have been shown to help lift a person's spirits and decrease feelings of loneliness. Sometimes that sense of "not being alone" via online discussion forums and emails can add to one's positive wellbeing. Feeling validated in one's thoughts, opinions, and experiences is described as helpful by many.

Whether you explore medical conditions, mental health issues, books, art, music, energy conservation, the list is virtually endless these days, there's a good chance you can find like-minded individuals who are willing to connect online.

Social networking sites, the ones where you can search and reconnect with old friends scattered far and wide, are seemingly the new wave of staying in touch.

But remember, spending time close up and personal, such as having lunch together, taking a walk, meeting face to face, tends to yield more benefits that limiting your interactions to the electronic screen. And second, when moving from an internet-only relationship to meeting in person, please take precautions and observe safety rules.

Get a Dog: Having completed my doctoral dissertation in the area of the health value of pet ownership, I learned there are many benefits, including lowering blood pressure. Increasing social opportunities is another. For example, I worked with someone who met his girlfriend at a dog park.

Studies have shown that people walking a dog tend to be viewed as more approachable and friendly. It's similar to the baby stroller effect. People are drawn to babies and pets, especially dogs.

I cannot say for sure that walking an iguana, say, would have the same effect, but maybe.

Man Pauses While Walking His Iguana

by Matthew Eastmond

I mean, an iguana is a curiosity and there are those that think iguanas are the cat's meow. But there are others who would run in the opposite direction if they saw a small, horny-backed creature scurrying their way. So factor in the social likeability factor when choosing a pet to parade in public.

Puppies probably rate highest but that doesn't mean you should run out and buy a new puppy when you've already got a dog. The expense and effort of too many pets could backfire.

I recently finished a cute book, Must Love Dogs, where the heroine borrows her brother's dog to meet a man from the personal ads and he, too, shows up with a borrowed dog.

The book was made into a really funny movie of the same title, starring Diane Lane and John Cusack, if you'd rather watch it on your home screen. Laughter is the best medicine, right?

Better yet, watch it with a friend. The two-footed or four-footed variety.

Making Marriage Work - A Recommended Book

Speaking of marital therapy, one book I really, really like to recommend for couples, one that has helped many that I've worked with, probably more than any other (in my experience), one that both partners seem to easily buy into (very important), is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD.

This couples self-help book is fairly easy to understand, fairly straight forward. Gottman uses very common, everyday speak. It's largely research / outcome /evidence based advice, which means he bases his suggestions on findings in a lab, instead of touchy-feely, abstract, unituitive, flowery language that leaves readers feeling good and hopeful but without any explicit tools to apply to their relationship, and thus, no true or lasting impact.

Gottman's Seven Principles deals quite a bit with anger and how a high degree of anger can negatively impact a marriage, whether the anger is externalized - yelling, blaming, name-calling, stomping, hitting, having an affair; or internalized - stewing, turning away, shutting oneself off, silent treatment, self blame, martyrdom.

The portion in the book I refer to most often is the section Gottman refers to as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" -- four communication patterns to eliminate from your relationship:

1. Criticism - or as one psychologist described them, ad hominem personal attacks. Rather than make a complaint about a specific behavior, followed by a request for positive change, habitual criticisms and verbal attacks are toxic in a marriage or partnership.

2. Contempt - I like to describe this as saying one thing with your words but saying something entirely different, and critical or derogatory, with your voice tone and/or body language. Some researchers believe that 90% of communication is non-verbal. So ugly, harsh voice tone tends to be the loudest of all. Gottman's research has also suggested that men, in particular, are highly sensitive to women's voice tone. Maybe the condescending or critical female tone reminds them of being scolded by dear-old-Mom, the powerlessness associated with those unpleasant memories. I don't know. But it bears reminding that a shrill tone of voice is a huge turnoff.

3. Defensiveness - When faced with a partner's complaint, taking a super defensive posture can be a fast track to getting nowhere. So often in an arguement we see the pattern of complaint, followed by the partner's defensiveness, followed by the same partner's cross complaint.

example:

Partner 1: You don't help enough around the house.

Partner 2: Me? I do plenty around this house! What about you? You never make the bed in the morning and you're always leaving a mess on the bathroom counter!

Defensiveness followed by cross complaint followed by defensiveness followed by cross complaint. It can be an endless, vicious cycle. No one is listening. No one is taking responsibility. No one is offering to make changes.

4. Stonewalling - Shutting down communication is the cornerstone of stonewalling. Refusing to talk, basically. And it isn't only verbal. Meeting a spouse's complaints with a blank stare or a hostile glare or other forms of aggressive body language (arms crossed, jaw jutted out), walking out, otherwise known as storming out, slamming doors, staying gone, pouting, sullen expression, avoiding the spouse who dared to voice displeasure.

Gottman is widely published in professional, peer-reviewed journals. He has been doing research on marriages for more than twenty years, looking at what helps marriage last and what behavioral trends are associated with divorce. He touts that he and his researchers are able to predict what factors bring couples to divorce court 95% of the time. Excessive anger is one communication pattern and behavioral style at the top of the list.

Many troubled couples come from families where a lot of anger was freely expressed and heartily justified. Individuals with this background often come into therapy looking for validation that anger is healthy, that anger is good to express.

Gottman's work cuts right through these justifications. Instead of loud, ranting discontent, expressing wants and preferences in a calm and respectful voice tone is at the heart of healthy communication. Disagreement is healthy, yes. Expressing disagreements is healthy, yes. In fact, Gottman points out that marriage with the least amount of conflict are often the most at risk.

But aggressive attacks and screaming matches? Not good.

Communicating in a healthy, assertive way isn't always natural and seldom is it easy. Gottman's work helps show the way in simple, concrete terms. In a world full of bookstores full of relationship self-help books, this one is a keeper.