Feeling Friendless

Lonely Walk Home

by Michael Pickett

Living in a large, popular city, I see quite a few people coping with transition. One of the common requests for an initial appointment will go something like, "I'm new in town," or "I've lived here about a year now," followed by their complaint, typically something to do with depression or anxiety.

Many clients, particularly those beyond their mid-20's, are shocked, at a loss, or somewhat ashamed when they realize they are struggling in the friendship department.

Maybe they were used to making friends easily. Or they remember that reaching out to make friends never was easy but they somehow stumbled into a group of chums.

And now they find themselves feeling friendless. They start to feel the panic rise. How do I do this? Where do I start? What's wrong with me that I haven't found friends yet?

At some point in therapy, it becomes apparent to me that they are struggling to establish friends. It might take us awhile to reach the stage where we decide the client needs to target socializing. It's seldom a problem area people feel comfortable bringing up. People feel awkward admitting their lack of affiliation. The worry about the stigma of appearing friendless. The fear of being judged as a social dud.  

In therapy we explore the client's friendship history. How did they make friends in the past? Did it feel easy or was it a struggle? What types of friendships did they enjoy? Close confidantes or more distant acquaintances? Feel a part of a close knit group or often like an outsider looking in?

We often talk about the ease of making friends in high school and college, in particular. Life surrounded by hundreds or thousands of same-age, similarly situated peers. Mostly single, working part-time jobs, flexible schedules, with a variety of clubs and avenues available to study, exercise and socialize. To make friends. Dorm life is a friendship building tool at the ready. Close to campus apartment living is another. Potential friends all around, within arms reach, even.

Sometimes friends come in a bundle. A sports team. A choir group. A work team. Or we start to date someone and they have a big group of friends. Gradually they become our friends, too. Though not always easily. This wriggling into and feeling accepted by a pre-existing set of friends can feel awkward for many. Especially when those friendships go back to their days in the nursery. It's a situation ripe for feeling odd-person-out.

Which brings me to relationship break-ups and divorce. These are transitions where friendships are often lost. Partners exit and take their friends with them. You see this in a large group of couples. After the break up, maintaining friendships with those remaining in the couples club is a logistical nightmare. Seeing and hearing about The Ex can be too painful. Too close a reminder of what is lost. Learning about their new dating interests. Ouch.

Sometimes the friends appear to take sides. Or they don't know what to do and in their uncertainty, fail to reach out. This can really hurt the person left behind. Loss on top of loss can leave someone with profound self doubt, feeling sad and lonely.

It is well documented in the research literature that socializing on a regular basis is associated with positive physical health and emotional wellbeing. Feeling connected and cared about, laughing and going places together, keeping busy, exercising together, having someone to confide in: These are all benefits of friendships. It is no wonder, then, that finding oneself in a suddenly-friendless situation is associated with the onset or exacerbation of depression, anxiety, or a number of psychological conditions.

So how does one go about finding friends, exactly? Stay tuned. In my next post we'll talk about the goal of meeting new people and making friends.

Sandy Andrews, PhD  is a Clinical Psychologist / Therapist who provides CBT in Austin, Texas  

mars and venus and all that

Questions by my "single and looking" clients that leave me most bewildered go something like this:

"He gave me his phone number. What do you think he meant by that?"

Or,

"Do you think that means she wants to go out with me.... or not?"

According to the old school rules of dating, women are supposed to play hard to get and men are supposed to ask a woman straight out, right? And that mars and venus guy? Even he tells us we're looking for different things in a relationship.


Does any of this conventional "wisdom" hold true?

Wisdom, by the way, is codeword for advice given by people who have lived a whole lot longer than you but really have no clue how the dating game is played, either.

But thanks to a couple of dating studies summed up by the good people at BPS Research Digest we don't have to rely on antiquated advice. And we may now be able to say that we are finally beginning to meet up on the same planet.

In 2006 researchers studied what types of come-on lines women see as most effective when a man is trying to show he is interested.

Women, according to this study, are positively swayed when men demonstrate their helpfulness, generosity, athleticism (really? this works?), "culture" and wealth (again with the really?). They are unimpressed by jokes, empty compliments and sexual references.

And how about the guys? What works for them? A 2009 study found that men are most convinced when women use straightforward forms of communicating compared to more subtle lines. So the direct, "Let's go out sometime," is seen as more effective than the indirect, "Is that an iPhone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

And here's where the common planet comes in. Neither men nor women find sexual humor and innuendo to be all that helpful in figuring out whether to expect a follow up phone call. Or text. Or email. Or Facebook friend request. Let alone a date for Saturday night.

So according to the latest in dating research, if you are really interested in a particular someone you are chatting up, here's some potential applied advice.

Women, you might say something like this:

"Want to go out sometime?"

And men, you would say something like this:

"Thanks to my speed and strong throwing arm (athleticism), I caught a little old lady (helpfulness) who stumbled in my Buddhist meditation class (culture). She was so appreciative that I offered her a ride home in my Porsche (wealth) and donated a sizeable chunk to her charity fundraiser (generosity)."

And then you would suggest a night on the town.

Actually, I added that last piece of wisdom. Because it kind of seals the deal, doesn't it?

If you want to read these studies for yourself, in their entirety, you can either go to your nearest university library and look for the journal called Personality and Individual Differences, or, click on the links below and pay $31.50 each to purchase the studies online. You can also read a more in depth explanation here at PsyBlog.


Bale, Christopher, Morrison, R., & Caryl, P. G. (2006). Chat-up lines as male sexual displays. Personality and Individual Differences, 40(4), 655-664.

Wade, Joel T., Butrie, L., & Hoffman, K. (2009). Women’s direct opening lines are perceived as most effective. Personality and Individual Differences, 47 (2), 145-149.


Image source: Oil on canvas by Illingworth, 1971, found here.