Taking Steps to Overcome Chronic Loneliness

There are many studies that look at loneliness and are finding it is increasingly common and associated with serious health problems.  Although social media is designed to connect people (facebook, instagram, twitter, and the like) psychologists and researchers are finding more people are feeling disconnected and lonely than ever.

Cultivating friendships becomes so important as a way to combat loneliness.  Dr. Randy Kamen makes numerous suggestions for making friends, here. I have written about strategies in previous posts, here.

I offer a few of the most often cited suggestions:

1.  Choose a volunteer activity.  One that helps a needy population or is helping solve a societal problem that concerns you will likely be most beneficial to you.  Engaging in meaningful work, whether a paid job or volunteer work, can help ease feelings of loneliness and increase feelings of positive well being.

2.  Explore support groups.  Support groups are usually led by volunteers, typically someone who has benefited from several years of experience in the support group arena. One support group I often refer to is Recovery International (formerly Recovery, Inc.).  This group helps it's members with skills to overcome anxiety, depression, and loneliness. You can email the contact person for the Austin, TX area, here.  I talk in more detail about this support group in an earlier post, here.

3.  Participate in group therapy.  Here in Austin, TX we have The Austin Group Psychotherapy Society which provides a convenient website that lists many group therapy opportunities available in the Austin area.  Click here to see the list and description of group therapy experiences available. For readers in other parts of the country, try contacting a licensed psychologist in your nearest city and ask for referrals to group therapy providers. Group therapy is lead by paid professionals.  I strongly recommend a professional who is licensed with a mental health certification in your state (licensed psychologist, clinical social worker, marriage and family therapist, etc.)

People who feel lonely sometimes are people who have struggled with shyness for most of their lives.  Many report feeling awkward in social interactions, feeling unable to converse in a way that helps them connect with others or in a way gains them reciprocal interest.  Group therapy, support group participation, and other types of settings which promote conversation between people (MeetUps for example) is one avenue to observe and practice the art of talking to people in a way that garners friendships.  Practice may not make perfect but it certainly can help shy and lonely people reach out more effectively.

Sandy Andrews, PhD Psychologist Specializing in CBT
South Austin, TX 

Holiday Self Care

Whether your holiday plans involve spending time alone or spending time with a large gathering of family, it's often a good idea to come up with your own Holiday Plan.

What do I mean by this?

A Holiday Plan is one way of making sure the holiday is special and pleasurable for you.

A Holiday Plan can be therapeutic for people who are alone over the holidays. People in transition (recently divorced, widowed, relocated) are especially vulnerable to feeling lonely, alienated, sad, and in some cases, ashamed of their solitary status. Ashamed when others ask them, for example, "Who did you spend your holiday with?" The fear that others will judge them in some negative way or feel pity for them can weigh heavy. Many feel worse about their solo status when confronted with an onlooker's pity, no matter how caring and well-intentioned the concern may be. A Holiday Plan can help fill the gap when asked, "What did you do over the holiday break?"

Sometimes people who are alone prefer the solitude to merry making or the energy required to put on the facade of feeling merry. Take, for example, someone who works two jobs and is looking forward to the precious down time. Or someone who is grieving and prefers the quiet recovery time. Or the recovering alcoholics who refrain from a holiday gathering because they are newly sober and don't trust themselves to be around a spiked punch bowl. There are many reasons for choosing to be alone but the choice isn't always understood, or approved of, by others.

So back to a Holiday Plan. Think about ways you can make your holiday a special time of relaxation or pleasure or holiday ritual.

Make a list. This is a great time to consult with your personalized Pleasant Events List, discussed in an earlier post.

What are some activities that would give you pleasure? Which would help you feel the most refreshed? A hot bubble bath? Reading the latest edition of your favorite mystery series? Video gaming? A phone call to a friend or loved one? Taking a long walk along a scenic trail? Slipping out to see a movie? Starting a new knitting, art or woodworking project? Putting a puzzle together? Baking cookies? Sometimes getting caught up on household chores can be fulfilling. Just so long as it brings you pleasure.

If you expect to be around a large group over the holidays and you anticipate feeling drained rather than rejuvenated, as many of us do, give yourself permission to modify your plans. Excuse yourself for a walk after the large meal. Pass on the egg nog for a healthy drink you have brought as an alternative. Leave early so you can fit in some relaxing alone time at home or in your hotel room. Bring along a fun board game or favorite magazine as an alternative to the usual football game watching. Unless, of course, watching the bowl game is on your Holiday Plan.

Whatever your plan includes, be sure to give yourself plenty of time to prepare. Research a pleasant outing or day trip. Shop for needed supplies. If your list includes cuddling under a blanket, with a cup of hot cocoa (mini-marshmallows on top) while watching several rented movies with a pleasantly scented candle nearby, you will want to make your trip to the video and grocery store in advance. Most stores close or keep earlier hours during the holidays. You don't want your Holiday Plan foiled because you are caught empty handed.

Happy holiday planning, everyone!

Sandy Andrews, PhD is a Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist 
teaching CBT in South Austin