Cognitive Therapy as Commencement Address

A commencement speech given by the author, David Foster Wallace, to the 2005 graduating class of Kenyon College.

Though Mr. Wallace was addressing college graduates, his words of encouragement are promoting CBT skills and can apply to all of us, in every moment of daily living.

Thanks to the person who suggested I listen to this video.  You know who you are.

Who Have You Cheated on Lately?

Or at all?

 If you are in a committed relationship and have cheated on your partner, this post by Holly Cox is a must read.  If you are the victim of a partner who has cheated on you?  Reading Holly's post is probably a good idea for you, too.

What if you haven't had sex with this person but you've kissed or held hands or engaged in other types of intimate physical affection?  Is this cheating?  If your partner isn't aware or is aware and feels hurt or angry?  Then your behavior very likely falls under the realm of cheating.

What if you're not sure if your non-physical relationship with a "friend" or coworker could be considered cheating?  What if you suspect your partner spends too much time with their colleague, teammate or friend or if they seem too close for your comfort?  Please do yourself and your partner a favor by reading Dr. Laura Berman's post where she discusses emotional infidelity.

One important sign to look for, within yourself , is whether you actively decide to not tell your partner about repeat encounters with this "friend."  Whether it seems to be a harmless lunch, meeting to exercise together, or trips to the movie theatre, if your partner remains in the dark you need to take a long look at your behavior and your motives.

A second sign is having a lot of thoughts about the "friend" when you're away from them.  Especially when you feel your heart race or skip a beat in the middle of these thoughts.  Of course, if you are feeling clear feelings of sexual attraction and you elect to continue meeting up with this "friend," be it known or not known by your partner, many would label these actions infidelity.

Are your contacts with this friend limited to emails, texts or other forms of electronic contact?  If the above signs are present, or if you password protect your accounts so your partner won't see?  Probably emotional infidelity.  The defining factor is more about whether your partner would be hurt if s/he knew then how you technically feel about the "friend."

Most affairs are explained to me in this way, "I didn't go looking for an affair..." Or, "I didn't mean to have an affair, it just happened."  In other words, spending a lot of time with someone other than your partner when any of the above criteria apply?  Take the safe approach and end or greatly limit contact.  Tell your partner about the meetings and the emails.  Give your partner a chance to weigh in.  If you don't want to hear your partner say they feel hurt or betrayed and so you avoid talking about time spent with this "friend," emotional infidelity is likely in play.

People vary regarding what they think is cheating when it comes to their own partners.  So the true answer lies not with what any expert thinks or what research finds but what your partner thinks and feels.  Social Psychologist, Dr. Justin Lehmiller talks more about who defines cheating and how, here, on his blog, The Psychology of Human Sexuality.  

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  Wise words when it comes to protecting your relationship.

A Murmur was Seen Through the Crowd

The crowd of birds, that is.  Starlings, to be specific.

I can't get enough of the videos gone viral of bird murmuration.  The most dramatic to me is the first one I ever saw.  It was captured by canoe paddlers Sophie Windsor Clive and Liberty Smith.

With so much news on the television about tragedy caused by nature, I find my faith in the natural way of things restored when I watch birds flying in a sort of random harmony.  When it's put to calming music, it becomes something of a meditation.

Last one:

Inspirational Meditation

"Inspirational meditation with original art and reflection, created by Melanie Weidner, Quaker artist and spiritual director. "  You can explore more of Ms. Weidner's ideas and suggestions by visiting her blog, Listen For Joy.

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Diet Tip in the New Year

Dr. Aaron Beck, M.D., known worldwide as the father of Cognitive Therapy, and his daughter, Dr. Judith Beck, Ph.D. psychologist founded The Beck Institute at the University of Pennsylvania.   Dr. Judith Beck is also the author of The Beck Diet Solution, a book that provides cognitive and behavioral weight loss strategies.

The Beck Diet Solution website emails dieting tips taken from her book.  Since it's the new year and many of us make resolutions to get healthy and lose weight, I thought I'd post the most recent suggestion. It features a cognitive approach to addressing one of the most frustrating aspects of dieting:  relapses or slips.   It also illustrates a core cognitive principle of thought replacement.


Recovering from Mistakes Immediately: A Key to Weight Loss and Maintenance Success

Dieters often make resolutions this time of year to lose weight and keep it off. Many dieters have made this same resolution in previous years and have ultimately not been successful.  One of the biggest stumbling blocks that dieters face is getting back on track after a dieting mistake, often because they say to themselves things like:

I've made a mistake. I've really blown it for the day. I might as well keep eating whatever I want and start again tomorrow.  

But it takes most dieters much longer to get firmly and consistently back on track -- perhaps a week, a month, or even a year. As a result, they likely gain back any weight they had lost.

We teach dieters many techniques to get back on track after making a single eating mistake.  One such technique is the use of analogies to demonstrate that making one mistake is not a valid reason to continue making more mistakes.  For example, we might say:

If you were walking down a flight of stairs and stumbled down a few, would you think, "Well, I've really blown it now!" and throw yourself down the rest?

If you were washing your fine china and dropped a plate, would you throw the rest of your plates on the floor?

If you were driving on the highway and missed your exit, would you continue to drive 5 more hours in the wrong direction?

We help dieters see that it makes no sense to compound one eating mistake with a second (or more). Once they accept that all mistakes, even dieting mistakes, are a part of life and learn how to recover from them right away, they're able to lose weight and keep it off without disrupting and undoing their hard work and weight loss achievements. 

Experimenting with Different Breathing Styles

Heart Says Breathe by Laurie Maves

Noting dysfunctional breathing patterns and changing them are two frequent goals of cognitive behavioral therapy.  Breathing exercises are one of the behavioral changes clients can make as opposed to the thought patterns that bring on and maintain the anxious breath.

There are a variety of ways to alter one's breathing therapeutically.  In an earlier post, I described what is often called lower abdominal breathing (LAB).  Many people report success lowering anxiety, stress and anger, for example, using LAB.  Click HERE to review my previous post.

Here, I will post a link to an article where Deborah Rozman talks about a different approach called Heart-Focused Breathing.  Different in that the mental focus on one's heart is suggested rather than strictly on the mechanics of the breath.  Shifting one's focus toward gratitude or a scene that has positive associations is also part of Heart-Focused Breathing.  Click HERE to read Rozman's full post.

So often in therapy my message is  this:  Don't give up.  Experiment with different styles of breath work.  Finding the style that assists in calming your body and quieting your mind is what we're after ... not sticking to any particular, recommended type.

Painting, Heart Says Breathe by Laurie Maves and can be viewed HERE. 

Give Me Five ... Minutes of Meditation, That Is

In this fast-paced society we city folks dwell in, we're often searching for quick fixes.  While it is usually true that meaningful change requires significant time and energy, meditating five minutes a day can be an effective tool in easing a host of problems that effect those of us living in the rush-rush workaday world.

Meditation has long been advocated to help quiet the mind and improve focus.  In the past few years a variety of experts have begun to recommend, and numerous studies suggest, that mediation can be helpful in reducing stress, anxiety and depression as well as help heal or ease the symptoms of many physical illnesses including high blood pressure, inflammation and chronic pain.

But what is meditation?  Many people automatically picture an isolated monk seated pretzel style in a dark, spare room with candles and a large gong.  While there are certainly meditation practices resembling this stereotype, today's post is geared toward familiarizing readers with simpler and shorter forms of meditation that can be incorporated into a typical, time-pressed day.  Meditation, in short, for the hurried, anti-gurus among us.

Below are links to descriptive posts and videos that you may find useful in your quest to learn simple, effective meditation practices that can fit into any busy schedule.

Five Minute Meditation Introduced

Chris Walker calls himself The Anti Guru Guru.  He advocates no-frills meditation. Having practiced long hours of study in India he claims he gets more benefit from paring down his meditation practice to five-minute sessions.  Check out his post, here.

Dr. Alejandro Junger, M.D., cardiologist, discusses the role of stress on the mind and body.  In this video, he talks about the role of constant, automatic thoughts produced by our busy, overloaded brains (monkey mind) and the effectiveness of meditation in relieving physical damage caused by these and other forms of harmful stress.  Along with a video explanation, Dr. Junger gives step by step directions for practicing a five-minute meditation.

Meditation Videos to Get Started

Below is a video of a guided five-minute meditation.  Soothing pictures, music and a calming voice guide you through a simple meditative exercise.  You can view the video, here, or simply push the  white triangle start button below and view right from my blog:

To enlarge the meditation video, simply press the small square shaped symbol at the far right of the bottom black bar.  To return to this smaller size video, press the Escape key or click on that same square symbol.

This video features Deepak Chopra talking you through a gentle, nature-themed meditation.

Three Minute Rejuvenation Meditation

Five minutes sounds too long?  How about a three minute video?  In this video a woman guides you through quiet breathing and relaxing instructions.

If you prefer to try a meditation without being guided, this Breathe - 3 Minute Meditation video provides kaleidoscopic pictures and soothing music.

Meditation for the Darting Mind

If you are feeling up to the challenge of an 11-minute or even a 31-minute meditation, take a look at this video demonstrating Kirtan Kriya Meditation.  This yoga meditation involves vocalizations synchronized with finger movements which may be especially effective for people whose minds wander during more standard meditation exercises.

As this post illustrates, there are many paths toward meditating.  While longer meditation sessions are believed to produce deeper and more health engendering forms of relaxation, many find that short meditation exercises are not only time saving but also effective, especially when done on a daily basis (several times per day, even better).

These videos and links are chosen as examples not as any definitive or preferred method.  Different meditation experiences appeal to different people.  The important thing is for you to find a method that works for you: that produces feelings of calm, quiet and peace-of-mind.  Try exploring several of the meditation videos posted on YouTube or your favorite online video site.  Experiment with different styles and then practice on your own.  It will probably take time and repeat practice to achieve the desired effect.  And by practice I mean trying again and again until you feel your mind grow lighter and your thoughts slower and your muscles relax fully.

Coping with Social Anxiety

When we work with social anxiety, one of the most widespread forms, we learn that meeting new people is a highly distressing task.

Introducing oneself, starting up a conversation, keeping small talk going, indeed, merely showing up, any or all of these scenarios evoke considerable anxiety for socially anxious people.

Cognitive therapy explores negative thought patterns that increase anxiety and lead one to shy away from talking to someone new or starting a conversation with an acquaintance.

A very typical dysfunctional thought pattern or cognitive distortion that plagues people with social anxiety is mind reading:  assuming we know what the other person is thinking and, more important, assuming those thoughts are negative; that they are negatively judging us.

At least two broad options are encouraged as a counter to mind reading.  The first is to decide to stop mind reading --  to instead tell ourselves that mind reading is futile, probably inaccurate, that we are unlikely to ever get the real truth.  In other words, our assumptions about the other person's thoughts will never be truly verified.  Because of this, it is an act of folly to mind read and base our own behavior on those assumptions.

How do we stop?  Distract ourselves with another subject altogether.  The weather.  The food selection.  Reciting the alphabet backwards.  The baseball game you're looking forward to watching.  Whatever comes to mind that lets you think of something besides mind reading.

The second option we have is to replace negative mind reading with something more positive and probably more accurate. Assume that the other person is interested in getting to know us, is also feeling anxious about starting a new conversation, and would welcome our small talk.  We are, as a rule, social beings who want to get to know people.  Somebody needs to break the ice and it might as well be me.

So that backyard barbeque you've been dreading?  Go.  But first?  Take a few deep breaths followed by long exhales.  Loosen up those smile muscles.  Brush up on some small talk pointers.  Decide to introduce yourself to at least one new person.  Choose someone who is standing alone or otherwise not engaged in conversation. Hi, I'm Susan usually works great.  Followed by, I know Dave and Karen (the hosts) through work.  How about you?  

If they don't help the conversation along, decide to give it a try.  It doesn't hurt to practice in your head before you go or before you approach a particular person.  (Cognitive behaviorists call this covert rehearsal.)

Ask how long they've known the host.  Comment on the weather.  Or the food.  The rule of thumb with small talk is this:  Start with the general and move on to more personal topics but only if the person seems interested.

Second rule?  Ask them a general question about something you have in common.  What do you have in common with this stranger at a barbeque, you ask?  Well for one, you are both at the same barbeque.  You were both invited by the same host.  You are both standing in the heat, or under the shade tree, or inside the air conditioning, or in line at the bathroom.  You are both listening to the same music, can see the same television, are surrounded by the same paintings on the wall.  Move from the general (even boring) to the more personal once you see the person is willing to converse.

Examples of starters:

How long have you known _______ (the host)?
It looks like you're drinking the iced tea.  Is it sweetened?  
Do your kids go to school together?
Have you lived in this neighborhood long?
What kind of dressing was on that salad?  Did you taste it?

If you are not getting much of a response after one or two starters, allow silence.  Maybe that will prompt them to say something.  If not?  Wait a little longer and then excuse yourself with a smile, I'm going to get something to eat now.  Nice to meet you.  And away you go.

Even if the attempt didn't go very far you can pat yourself on the back for trying.  For getting in some practice.  For concluding it wasn't all that bad.  And maybe deciding to give it another try.  The next person is bound to be more social.

Fear of Flying? Driving? Read Here from the Comfort of Your Chair

     When someone presents with a highly specific fear, or phobia, that is interfering with life in a big way, such as a fear of driving (vehophobia), flying (pteromerhanophobia) or vomiting (emetophobia, more common than you would think), behavioral psychologists will often treat with specialized techniques that research has shown can work very well.

     Desensitization Training and Exposure Therapy are two such techniques.

     Watered down versions of these two treatment methods are often used in some form or fashion when treating more diffuse or generalized forms of anxiety disorders, such as social anxiety.  The essential mechanisms are the same:  learn relaxation skills and then pair with the feared event or object.

     I am going to play lazy today and give you a link to Michael Murrell, Psy.D.'s blog post (click here) where he describes Desensitization for Anxiety.  So please check our Dr. Murrell's post if you are looking for help with a specific phobia.  It's important to be guided through the correct procedures by a trained professional in order to find treatment success.  Reviewing these techniques and then asking the psychologist you are interviewing whether she or he uses them to treat phobias is a great way to insure you find the proper treatment for your fears.

     The core of desensitization involves first pairing, and then replacing, feelings of anxiety with feelings of calm.  Learning to relax is a necessary first step toward applying desensitization.  Deep breathing is one type of relaxation exercise often recommended.  You can check out my previous post which describes a particularly effective form of deep breathing that I most frequently suggest, here.

     Using deep breathing exercises throughout the day, two minutes here - ten seconds there - can help keep anxiety and stress levels lower, can help rid our bodies of the stress signals that often accumulate by the end of a typical work or school day.  And can also help be more successful when engaged in the actual exposure to a fearful event.

Additional resources:

Some good advice here that applies to driving phobia.

Anyone who has seen me for any length of time 

will agree I should hang this cartoon on my wall 

(thank you, Natalie Dee).

Advice Your Mother Probably Never Gave You

Sit up straight!  Go outside!  Take a nap!

What do these three statements have in common?  Things your mother said when you were a kid?

Maybe so.  But they're also part of a list of Twenty-Eight Scientifically Proven Ways to Boost Energy Instantly.

Need a mid-workday energy lift?  Here are a few other suggestions that your mother probably did not tell you:

Turn up the volume.  Listening to music and tapping your feet can help you feel more alert.

Eat chocolate.  Cocoa contains flavonoids which have been found to boost cognitive skills and elevate mood.

Take a break. Put your work on pause and get a change of scenery.  Leaving your desk can help you feel more energetic and improve your focus.  Even if it's just to look out the window.  Getting outside for fresh air and sunshine? Better.

Click on the link here to read more than twenty additional ways to energize.

And then leave a comment with your personal tips for beating the mid-afternoon blahs.

Turn your face to the sun 

and the shadows fall behind you.

 -  Maori Proverb

The Park Bench by Karsten Stier