No Umbrella Needed

If you are like me and find the sound

of a gentle rain or a distant thunder storm comforting,

you'll love this internet site:

Rainymood.

Turn on your computer, turn up the volume, and allow yourself to be lulled by one of nature's most soothing sounds by clicking here.

RainyMood sound track is a nice accompaniment to my relaxational deep breathing instructions, posted here.

Make it a part of your relaxation or meditation experience. Or turn it on before you go to bed. Relaxing sounds or music at bedtime can often help people overcome insomnia.

And perhaps the best part? No umbrella needed.

How about you, reader?

What sounds in nature do you find soothing?

Do you have a similar site you can share?

Small Talk, Big Skill

Very often in therapy, building friendships becomes a behavioral goal. Two of my earlier posts talk about finding oneself with too few friends and some general strategies for finding friends. This post will give some suggestions on what to actually talk about once you have found people worth getting to know.

Putting yourself in a situation where you can meet people is an important step in the friend-building process. A next, big step and helpful skill is the art of initiating a conversation. A step many people find very anxiety producing. A step many believe they are no good at. A step many people are too afraid to try. A step the leaves people avoiding social situations altogether.

It may be a comfort to know that many people experience social anxiety and many people report having trouble coming up conversation starters. So it never hurts to remind yourself that you're not the only person who struggles to break the ice and make small talk.

But when two people are standing next to each other, and the idea is to socialize, somebody's got to do it, right? And it may as well be you. Especially if you're motivated because (a) you want more connections in your life and (b) someone has caught your eye.

And you never know, the person you're eyeing could be more shy than you. Could be hoping you talk first. Could welcome an end to the awkwardness. This is when you can take a deep breath and tell yourself that your attempt at small talk might just be appreciated.

There are three main types of small talk that I will cover: (1) Ice Breakers (2) Introductions, and (3) Follow Ups. Today's post will concern itself with Ice Breakers. In a later post, or two, we'll talk about Introductions and Follow Ups.

With Ice Breakers, here are some suggestions to keep in mind:

(1) You're not trying to make a deep connection the first time you meet. You don't need to dazzle or impress. You're just trying to get some conversation, any conversation, started. So keep your opener short and simple.

(2) The less you know the person, the less personal your comment or question. Keep your comments neutral and general. Focus on something around you, not about you.

(3) Likewise, the more conventional your location, the more conventional you will want to keep the conversation topics. Conventional means neutral, common, general, maybe even boring. Don't ruffle feathers. Don't try to be profound. Keep it light and upbeat.

If you are in an edgy nightclub, at a rock concert, or watching performance art, taking risks might work. But in general, it's safer to keep your comments bland. You don't know this person yet, or very well, so you don't want to startle, pry or challenge. You want to keep it comfortable. And the less you know about a person, keeping it bland is the safest bet.

(4) Look for something you have in common with the person you're trying to talk to. You may be wondering, what if I don't know this person very well? How you can I possibly know what we have in common. Well, here's the answer. At a minimum, what you have in common is your location.

So look around you. Whether you're in the same room or standing on the same sidewalk, at a minimum you've got your physical surroundings in common. And always? There's the weather.

Here are some general topics along these lines:

4The weather (again, it works).

4Traffic (everybody hates it).

4The building.

4The club, organization or group that is holding the function.

4The sports team that's on the television above the bar (but only if he is paying attention).

4The music that's playing.

4The people you both know.

4The class you're both taking.

4The store in which you're standing in line.

Here are a few examples of Ice Breakers:

At a house party: "Who do you know here?" Or, "How do you know Jon and Cara?" "Do you know this neighborhood very well?"

At a wedding: "Are you here with the bride or the groom?" "How long have you known her?" "Their vows were so unusual. Do you know if they wrote them?" "I know the bride but not much about the groom. Do you know how they met?"

At a neighborhood barbeque: "Do you live in this neighborhood?" "I can't believe how overcast it is today. I hope it doesn't rain." "I see Donna has put in some new landscaping over there. She's really keeping her yard nice." "It's been ages since I've had barbeque. I definately brought my appetite with me today. How about you? Are you much for beef brisket?"

At a restaurant or nightclub: "Have you eaten here before?" "Did you have to wait long for your glass of wine?" "What do you suggest on the menu?" "Have you tried the sushi here? Is it any good?" "Where do people park in this town? It took me forever to find a place."

If you look back at the Ice Breakers I suggested, they mostly tend to focus the topic of conversation away from the personal, away from the individuals involved. Instead they direct the questions to people and things around them.

When someone doesn't know you very well, they may not be interested in discussing anything very revealing about themselves. So wait a good while before asking questions of a personal nature.

Sometimes the person you approach will respond to your ice breaker in a talkative way. But there's also the chance of a lengthy pause, an awkward silence. So a future post will talk about the next step, conversational Follow-Uppers.

Meanwhile, picture yourself in a recent situation where you wish you had tried to start a conversation. Or you did make an attempt but didn't get very far. And now refer back to my suggestions and see if you can come up with a few Ice Breakers of your own. Practicing in your head, or covert rehearsal in CBT language, is a good way to up your chances of success the next time around.

A few links you might find helpful:

Tips for Starting Conversation with People you Don't know by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

The Shy Person's Guide to Conversation by Susie Cortright

Small Talk on the Job

And there are books on the topic:

The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine

Small Talk: The Art of Socializing by Kathy Schmidt, Louise Jordan, and Marisha Rogers

The Art of Mingling by Jeanne Martinet

Conversationally Speaking by Alan Garner

Painting: The Conversation by Shelley Grund

Sandy Andrews, PhD is a Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist in Austin, Texas

January's Here!

It's official! January is here! Right now! On this very blog!

Ok, maybe it's not Mad Men's January Jones. Not a television star. Not as good as that.

It's the month of January. The month of resolutions.

Here we go again, right? How am I gonna change this year?

You know the drill. Take inventory. Have my my ready made list of personal disappointments. Doesn't take long, does it? We know each and every one of those suckers by heart, don't we? Every failure? Every mistake?

Now whip it into a to-do-list:

Lose weight.

Drink less.

Exercise more.

Yell less.

Work more.

Spend less.

But enough of that noise. How about something completely different this year?

Maybe resolutions where we take stock in our strengths. Our good points.

What do I like about myself?

That's right. A List of Likeables. What I accomplished this year. What I'm proud of. What brought me joy. Pleasure. Happiness. What I wouldn't change about myself.

Here are some examples of what might apply:

I experimented with a few new recipes. Even liked one of them.

I made my friends laugh.

I finally cleaned out the garage back in June. The fact that it's chaos again? No matter.

Went two months without arguing with my co-worker.

Made a new friend. Or two.

Took a risk.

Volunteered my time.

Showed compassion.

Passed my annual performance eval. Everybody else did, too? So what. I showed up and didn't get fired.

Passed on second helpings. Most Some of the time.

Helped my sour puss neighbor.

Held my tongue.

Paid my bills on time.

Paid down my credit card debt.

Listened to someone who needed to talk.

So, that's the gist of it. An agreement to recall what I like about myself. What I'm happy about.

Therapy couches are full of people who focus exclusively on their faults.

Yes, especially Super Man.

One part of my job is to help people reframe in a more healthy direction. To help clients take credit for the things they have done right instead of continually echoing things they feel shame about. Giving permission to make mistakes. Understanding that inconsistency is the human condition.

So maybe this year we can vow to take it easy on ourselves. Make this a year of uplifting changes. Appreciate my strong points. Cut down on the self-criticism. Try out a kinder, gentler me. Feel good for a change.

And now it's your turn, reader. What is something you will put on your list? What is something you did in the past year that you feel good about? Proud of? Happy about, even? What are your positive traits? What do others like about you? What do you like about you?

Out, Out, Belief System!

One important therapy tool in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is exploring thoughts and beliefs that contribute toward an emotional or mental health disorder.

Thoughts can be viewed as relatively simple ideas or statements that guide our self-talk. For people suffering from depression, for example, these thoughts tend to run toward negative, discouraging themes. They may seem quick and random, such as,

I'm never going to get this right!

Or, What is wrong with me?

Or, There's no point in trying.

Cognitive therapy involves paying attention to these automatic negative thoughts, or cognitions, and coming up with healthier alternatives. That is, ultimately changing them or replacing them with more accurate, positive, uplifting, and/or calming thoughts.

Often, in therapy, we CBT psychologists look a little deeper for underlying belief systems that influence our clients' moods and actions.

Gloom and Foreboding

These belief systems, or beliefs, for short, can be made up of a single powerful statement, such as the following examples,

I'm destined for failure.

I can't say no. I hate letting other people down.

Nobody will ever love me.

Something is wrong with me.

Or they can be made up of a series of thoughts that clump together:

Why is my life so hard? At this rate, I'll never get ahead. Why keep trying? It's no use. Every time I take one step forward, something happens that sets me back. I may was well give up.

Belief systems are typically made up of a complex pattern of thoughts that group together to feed and maintain the one, highly charged belief.

Let's take for example a common underlying belief found among people experiencing anxiety and depression symptoms:

Nobody loves me.

Or,

I am unworthy of love.

This belief is usually fueled by dozens or hundreds of smaller impact thoughts.

Look at me! I'm in terrible shape.

She won't come back, I just know it.

I need him. There is noone else out there for me.

I'm not going. What's the use? There's no point in trying to meet anyone.

I'll never find anyone else.

Why would anyone want to go out with me? I have nothing to offer.

I feel so fat and horrible.

I'm disgusting. No wonder he hasn't called me.

All of these thoughts could be related to the core, underlying belief, Nobody loves me. Or, I am unloveable.

One of the keys of CBT is uncovering dysfunctional belief systems, bring them to the light, and helping the client let go of their powerful hold, and move forward.

Sometimes dysfunctional beliefs are formed in early childhood. An abusive, neglectful parent can contribute to their formation. A group of teasing, bullying kids in the neighborhood can do the same.

Sometimes beliefs get started in adolescence or later in adult life, say, when a cherished lover or spouse is abusive, unfaithful, or abandons.

Whatever their origins, the good news is they can be outed and purged using CBT techniques.

More examples of dysfunctional belief patterns to come.

bumper sticker of the month

Saw this one today on the back of a pick up truck:Happy Thanksgiving, readers.

And please, do not bring your bartender to our therapy sessions. I wouldn't want to have to prove you wrong. The power of positive thinking and all that.

freedom

There are many reasons I am a big proponent of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Chief among them is the freedom to overcome the unhappy elements of our past.

Freedom to decide that, at this moment, change begins.

Freedom to let go of our former selves.

Freedom to let go of patterns that bring us distress.

Freedom to move forward into wellness.

Today marks 20 years of another, equally profound, form of freedom. Freedom from political oppression.

Twenty years ago today the Berlin Wall came down.

Twenty years ago today 16 million people were united with the west.

How is Germany celebrating?

A long string of dominoes mark the former placement of the wall. Germans will line the colorful wall and watch as the dominoes fall, one by one.

An angel watches over the Berlin dominoes:

The celebration began one month ago when giant marionettes walked through Berlin:

You can see more pictures documenting the event, here.

Congratulations, Germany! Wir gratulieren!

finding friends

In my last post, I talked about being new in a city and the struggle to find friends.

Years ago, I read a research study dealing with social support. It found that the variable most predictive of a friendship developing between any two people was, simply, time spent together. Not common interests, like I guessed. Not same background or religion. Not age. Not level of education.

Greater length of time spent in each other's company was the factor most associated with friendship bonding. Either long periods of time in one space (think weekend workshop or jury duty) or repetitive intervals across time (weekly art class). Time that allows for talking and getting to know each well enough to break down the barriers and move to a point where calling each other for a get together feels acceptable. Safe. And eventually easy.

I wish it were faster. I wish we could attend a party, walk up to someone new and say, "Hi. I overheard your conversation and you seem like someone I could be friends with." But this rarely happens. It might have been this easy in kindergarten. The older we get, though, the longer it usually takes. We grown ups are a leery lot.

Place of employment is a common venue for making friends. We can see the "time spent together" factor at work here. Many of my clients in this friendless predicament report the social scenerio at their jobs is lacking They might have made slight inroads or none. "Everyone is married." Or, "They're all older than me." Or, "They all do the bar hopping scene. I don't like bars." When friends don't arise in the work place, it can lead to looking around and wondering, "Now what?"

Well, here's one idea for the now what. Remember this one goal: Put yourself into situations where you are likely to see the same people again and again.

Visiting a museum one afternoon is not going to cut it. Signing up for a book club where the same people will be meeting week after week might.

What kind of situations? Start with an interest. A hobby. A creative outlet. An athletic pursuit.

What do I like to do? What am I interested in doing that I've never done before? What have I long wanted to try but haven't made the time to do so? Gardening? Creative writing? Volley ball? Woodworking?

Thumb through the newspaper in the local/metro or life section. Check out informal classes or adult education available at nearby colleges. Read over the available class schedules as a way of getting ideas or jogging your memory: photography, landscaping, stained glass, salsa or country western dance, yoga, walking tours, home improvement, bridge, dominoes.

Look for events that meet repeatedly, once/week or every other, where it seems likely you'll see the same faces on a repeat basis. A one-time seminar on a Saturday is better than sitting home and meeting no one. But a class or support group that meets regularly is a better bet for getting in the time needed to develop a friendship.

Some venues encourage interacting, such as team sports, creative writing classes, support groups, walking clubs. Others are more of a solitary pursuit. Avoid the latter. We want to optimize our recreation and volunteer time. Go where the opportunity for getting to know others is made easy.

The beauty of my plan is this: Even if your pursuit doesn't result in friends, let's say you're not interested in anyone who shows up, you are spending time doing something entertaining, challenging, and fun. You might be learning something.

Another benefit? You become more interesting this way. So when you do meet someone who has friendship potential, you're more likely to have something to offer. To be found friendship worthy.

So starting with something you're interested in is one friendship finding avenue. I'll have more to offer in a later post or two.